I got my daughter 3 tiny worry dolls. Each night she tells one worry to each, & puts them under her pillow.
She said they’re taking her worries away so I figured I’d try, though it’s kind of hard to get comfortable with 817 of these things beneath my head.
You Might Also Like
Why is it called taking a shit and not de-deucing?
What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE FLOOR
🎵LET THE BODIES HIT THE-“Carl, you’re fired. You’re a horrible mortician.”
Me: Two men enter, one man leaves
Friend: Do you have to say that every time you drop me off at work?
BREAKING: Scientists send teen girl back in time to report on WWII. “Hitler’s haircut is literally the worst,” she writes. “Also he’s mean.”
California can go years without rain. My moving days? Pouring
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
Dog: I didn’t do it.
Cat: You left a cup on the table. Now it’s on the floor. Clearly, this is your fault.
What do the Quiet Place aliens do when the 17-year cicadas emerge and start screaming?
Daughter: Dad, can I have some Kit Kat for my snack tonight?
Me: Absolutely not
D: Why?
M: Because I said so
D: Because you ate them?
M: Yes
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?
Him: where do you wanna go eat?
Me after dropping big glob of bean dip on my shirt and scraping it off with a chip: someplace fancy
Being a parent will make you pay much closer attention to when songs have dirty lyrics.
In unrelated news, how do you get children to stop singing at the top of their voices in public?
Stop asking me for advice if you’re gonna get upset when I suggest commit a crime
Stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
I’m not sure what I did wrong but the pile of LEGOs left on the bath mat while I was in the shower seems like some kind of threat.
Dinosaurs: hey Noah open up its starting to rain out here haha
Noah: [door lock noise]
Here’s a list of things I need you to accomplish without any resources to do them with.
-management
I meant to type : You’re dear to me.
I actually typed : You’re dead to me.
Losing friends is easy.
Avocado Toast was invented by the Deep State as a way to suppress the economic advancement of millennials
The recipe I’m making specifically says allow to cook undisturbed, and yet my whole family is standing in the kitchen
ME: this mask should give me the best protection
SCUBA INSTRUCTOR: is that an N95
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
Oh sure, when my cat brings you a dead animal it’s because she’s giving you a present, but when I do it, I’m a “psychopath.”
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
I run my house like a well oiled machine; specifically a runaway train
[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?
Ah the throw away lines of children at the dinner table “I eat the shit food first”.
my kid is in her bed kicking her wall in morse code.
nope, scratch that. It’s either Wheels on the Bus or Bohemian Rhapsody, but I’m gonna tell her either way to go ahead and skip to the end