Dads love giving the grill tongs a couple of test claps every few minutes
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Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
6yo: You’re grounded.
Me: Okay.
6yo: FOREVER!
Me: Thank you.
Why do depressed people stay in bed? Beds were made for happy stuff like sex and naps and battles.
At the pub, it’s my job to inform people of the roots of words. I’m the designated deriver.
Get in loser grandma lost at bingo and has gone after the priest.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Spring cleaning checklist…
[crumpled up paper on floor]
*tries to flip it up like hacky sack*
*tries to flip it up…*
*tries to flip…*
*tries…**leaves it*
*Making plans*
FRIEND: So how about next Thursday?
ME: Oh. No can do. I’m gonna have diarrhea all day.
I can’t wait until we don’t have to wear masks, because I’m having a hard time deciphering the level of disappointment in the face of the woman I’m talking to.
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
Instead of going to see Godzilla vs Kong I’ll just ask two of my kids to do a project together.
I just saw the movie “A star is born” and if you think it’s about the solar system you will probably be as mad as I am rn
*accidentally summons malevolent demon at a séance*
I WILL HAUNT YOUR HOME FOREVER!
[4 days later]
YOU KNOW, YOU COULD CLEAN UP OCCASIONALLY
Here at Sporadic & Sons, we pride ourselves on consistency
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
Me: Please be quiet. I’m trying to hear this show.
3-year-old: OK
*breaks into song*
*turns on every talking toy*
*detonates fireworks*
Just realized my cat could be covered in tattoos and I wouldn’t even know.
Alien: why should I not blow up this planet?
Human: we are an advanced species
A: how do you travel?
H: we light old dinosaurs on fire
me: how do i get a girl to like me
dad: treat her like she’s the only one in the room
{ later at party }
man: does anyone know cpr?! this woman is DYING
me: [steps over them] hello, beautiful
If there’s anything Urban Dictionary has taught me it’s that I shouldn’t be so curious at times.
What’s this thing called? I’m going with “boingy boinger”
Death sent a message asking us to just cool it for a bit
NO I DON’T KNOW WHAT SIDE DISH I’M BRINGING BUT I’M ANNOYED SO IT WILL BE SOMETHING MASHED
Instead of sending friends Christmas cards, is it ok If I return the ones I got and just add the words “Me too”?
the only thing i know about cooking is you gotta terrorize the meat
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
Murphy’s Law: Whatever can go wrong, will go wrong.
Zoom Law: At least one person on the call must have a screaming baby in the background.
MISSING: 5 year old
LAST SEEN: Moments after I said, “Bath time.”
DESCRIPTION: Naked, sporting 20-23 Spider-Man band-aids
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*