People that are stoned shouldn’t throw glass houses.
You Might Also Like
[halftime]
Coach: Okay men we’re literally losing at basketball to a dog… any ideas?
-I have one.
*pulls out vacuum with a jersey on*
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
You said imagine my life without you…
So I closed my eyes & am on a beach with a man who knows how to change a toilet paper roll.
Bruce Willis on a jetski, being pursued by a pug on a smaller jetski
Just got carpal tunnel syndrome from scrolling down to my birth year
Me: Do you like my jeans?
Her: They’d look better on my floor 😉
Me: *laying down on the floor fully dressed* OK…so now?
Her: ….
2 kids walk into a forest and try to eat an old woman’s home and she’s the villain? I’m not buying it Brothers Grimm.
I don’t consider myself a controlling person.
Side note: Anyone else have a list of people your spouse can’t marry if you die?
4k tvs? no thanks i only need one
Me: Unhand me you scoundrel!
Masseuse: Please stop saying that
Judge: You need supervision.
Me: [Imagines toasting toast at a slightly increased rate with laser eyes] YES! Do it now robed wizard.
There is no bigger asshole than someone that takes an animal that can fly and puts it in a cage to stand on a stick.
After stressing and exhausting myself over making Christmas magic, I remembered my children are the real magic of Christmas.
Oh wait I made them too.
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
Just watched Home Alone 4 with my kids. The writers should be sentenced to a semester of Physics 101 at a community college.
Hand-sanitizer gives you that clean, my hands are still dirty, feeling.
My buddy’s phone autocorrected “wife” to “wide” and now he’s living in my garage.
*Secretly duct-tapes boomerang to the back of his car*
Him: *Drives away*
Me: *whispers* “yeah, you’ll be back.”
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
*On death bed*
Me: I’ve killed…so many..* whole family gasps while gazing intently*
Me: …so many…DM Rooms
WINDOWS: update? 🙂
ME: I can’t
WINDOWS: later? 🙂
ME: I don’t know if I—
WINDOWS: pwease? 🙂
ME: fine, later tho
WINDOWS: *immediately restarting* oops 🙂
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
Me: Siri, how hot does fire need to be to burn a body.
Siri: Kris, we go over this once a week. Make a note.
[excerpt from my failed job application]
MILITARY EXPERIENCE?
◽️yes
◽️no
◾️other (please explain)
while I have never served in an armored division I do have several tank tops
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
when my therapist asks how i’ve been the last two weeks
me: there’s a bloody oar in the water
friend: that’s foreboding
me: shut up gary, I know what they’re for