I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
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imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
I take great pride in the fact that I have told you “the stupidest thing you’ve ever heard” in more than one argument
“I’m in international waters, your damn laws can’t touch me” I scream to the police as I dog paddle naked in my neighbors swimming pool.
All I’m saying is a hunk of burning love doesn’t sound safe.
*kicks door down*
*realizes its the wrong house*
*leaves*
*comes back with tool bag*
*fixes door*
*apologizes*
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
You don’t have to seduce me with restraining orders and joyrides on the hood of your car, you had me at. “No, I was waving at my friend.”
Yes, I have an hourglass figure, as long as the hour was spent speed-eating Hobnobs at a competitive level.
when it’s finally the weekend but you promised your wife you’d deal with the orc infestation in the basement
The internet is full of many things
“Let’s run the bell commercial we’ve been playing for the past 17 years and take the month of December off” – The Hershey Kisses Marketing Team
help my (23M) fireflies (10,000) have unionized against me
A very large bee just flew by and dropped a big spider on me. What kind of sick collaboration is this?
“911? Help, my house is burning down!”
“Sir, we’re sending the fire brigade right now.”
“I HAVE ENOUGH FIRE I DON’T NEED A BRIGADE OF IT.”
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
Kylo Ren was more powerful with his helmet on. With it off, he had to use a majority of his power to maintain his hair’s body and bounce.
Me: *Spitting out teeth*
Her: Omg what happened?
Me: I ate too many of them
some bucket lists are like “visit Paris”, my bucket list is more “see a guy get smucked off the top of a truck by an overpass”
My high school “best friend” unfriended me on Facebook, so I guess the weight loss is noticeable.
I’ve gone unverified for 5,000 years.
Why change now?
Some people ask, what would Jesus do. I ask, will it frighten the squirrels?
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
Me *trying to buy yet another gardening device*
Home Depot employee: I’m sorry, you exceeded your rake limit
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
To the guy that stole my anti-depressants, I hope you’re happy now
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
When my 9 year old gets off the phone with his girlfriend, I’m going to ask him for some dating advice.
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
I knew I’d get too old to recognize new celebrities but I did not expect to get too old to recognize what celebrities are famous for. every day I go “is that a new singer” and then a person born in 2007 goes “ew no they’re a peeble streamer on doop” as I inch closer to the grave
children: Are those Giant spiders going to eat us?
Dumbledore: Check out this toast that butters itself!