me: [absolutely shredding] I told you I played a little guitar
him: that’s a mandolin
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Comic Sans walks into a bar. Barman says “sorry we don’t serve your type in here”
This cashier just held my five dollar bill up to the light in case you’re wondering how I do with first impressions.
Dear stupid people, there’s a thin line between the upper and lower lip. Seal it !!
You know how moray eels can’t let go when they bite, and both sets of jaws must be pried off even after they’re dead?
Don’t touch my fries.
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
[on date]
ME: I like my women like I like my wine
WAITER: [arrives] Anything to drink?
ME: [clears throat] One glass of very hot wine please
Just found a pot of houmous by the side of the road
“Butter is not play-dough”
– things I shouldn’t have to say
The real walk of shame is when you take all the cups and plates you’ve been hoarding in your room down to the kitchen.
No thanks, heavy metal concert. If I want lots of screaming without understanding the words I’ll just hang out with my toddler.
Just know someone out there is thinking of you, and how to make your death look like an accident.
Deleted old tweets just in case i date a very famous woman with rabid fans
I don’t usually brag on here, but I just got an email saying I have, and I quote, an “outstanding” medical bill
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
I bet the best part of being in your 70s is you get to drive through buildings and people just say “oh he must’ve hit the gas instead of the brakes” and that’s it
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
I promised my trainer that I’d set a gym schedule I would commit to regularly. So, now every time there’s a lunar eclipse I work out.
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
[Batman & Joker at a table in Arkham Asylum]
Joker: Wanna know I got these Scars? *He gestures at his Lion King action figures*
Batman: Ugh
Dentist: How often do you floss?
Me: Daily
Dentist: *Pulls fully grown centaur from between my 2nd and 3rd molars*
Moderation is good as long as you don’t overdo it.
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
Sing like no one’s listening
Dance like no one’s watching
Rub up against the bus stop like no one’s going to call the police
3: Who’s that on your shirt?
Me: Yoda, from Star Wars.
3: I don’t like him.
Me: YOU DON’T EVEN KNOW HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!