I don’t have jealousy issues, but I do have “flirt with my boyfriend one more time and I may have to cut you” issues.
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Me: Is that a Yeti cooler?
Yeti: *flicks cigarette* Cooler than what?
I threw away garbage.
In the garbage can.
The day after garbage day.
My husband is horrified with me.
I’m not a helicopter mom.
I’m more of a “come & get me only if there’s blood” kind of mom.
My friend says her Dr told her she’s underweight but I stopped listening because I cannot relate at all.
I’m pretty sure my kids see a freshly vacuumed floor as a challenge.
god: did you give the dinosaurs more muscle like I asked
angel: wait what
god: I told you to make them meatier
angel: oh MEATier
4-year-old: What happens when you die?
Me: You go to heaven.
4: No, I mean when you die, do I get your stuff?
*Hamburglar returns home with bag of hamburgers*
*his wife, holding a crying baby, slaps the bag out of his hands*
“WE NEED MONEY, DAMMIT!”
2032. Predictive Text has been perfected. You idly check in on your lunch break to see what you & your best friend have been chatting about.
The worst is that a 27 y/o who wanted to marry Charles Manson & charge ppl to see his corpse had more of a future financial plan than we do.
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
a weighted blanket is $70. I have $1400. I am about to panini press myself into incredible sleep.
Dr: I’m giving u a proton-pump inhibitor
Me: LIKE A GHOSTBUSTER?
D: No for acid reflu *sees tears welling in my eyes* yes for busting ghosts
ME: My dog loves it when I work from home.
DOG [to camera, opening beer]: Between you and me, it’s incredibly inconvenient. I had shit planned today.
Hubs: You can play outside for 5 more minutes as long as you don’t throw a tantrum when I tell you to come in.
6yo: I might not throw a tantrum. Or I might throw a little tantrum. I don’t know. We’ll see.
me: the wind blew off 3/4 of my roof
friend: oof
me: pretty much
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
[Day after Xmas]
7am: I am detoxing today, only fruit and liquids for me
9am: There are worse things than eating 14 cookies for breakfast
Sex is my cardio which is why I’m fat.
Dog: [sound asleep, eyes rolled back in head, legs twitching from dream]
Me: [momentarily thinks about peanut butter]
Dog: [waiting in kitchen with spoon]
being a ghost is exhausting; aimlessly wandering the earth for all eternity, having to participate in pottery class, only Whoopi Goldberg can see you
Great books in 140. The Great Gatsby. In 1922 a mysterious millionaire is obsessed with a now married former girlfriend and has to be shot.
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
Which brand of vacuum cleaner would make the coolest birthday present for the wife?
Me – That’s the second First Baptist Church I’ve seen today.
Wife – OK?
M – One of them is lying.
W – You can’t ever shut it off can you?
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
In hell, it’s always the last minute of a staff meeting and someone raises his hand for “one more quick question.”
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 💕
plant them where lol