My parents are still threatening to put me up for adoption.
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Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.
My boss : Why do I have to always come and find you?
Me : Because a good employee is hard to find
Jurassic Park, but all of the raptors are played by Jim Carrey.
I was trying to give my wife the silent treatment, but then she asked what I wanted from McDonald’s
I just deleted the same tweet twice for two different typos and now I can’t tweet it again because it’s already been stolen
My wife has been binge watching episodes of snapped, so I cancelled my life insurance policy, and haven’t slept or eaten in days.
I’m that asshole that holds the door open for you when you’re 50 feet away. You know, so you have to run a little.
Who let the owls out WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO WHO
4-year-old: Can you do what you want at work?
Me: No, I have to listen to my boss.
4: Mom is at your work?
Local Thai place no longer suffering fools
[3am]
Me:
My Dog: time to set the world record for licking noises
Walked into my home office to participate as an attorney in a Zoom hearing, and my cat was on the desk staring at the prosecutor on the Zoom screen.
THAT’S WHY YOU JOIN WITHOUT VIDEO, PEOPLE.
Sure, your carpenter could turn water into wine, Father. Now let ME tell you about a plumber who can increase his size by eating mushrooms.
[ first date ]
her: i like a man who plans financially for the future
me: i swallowed $9.13 this morning that i won’t be able to spend until later
I was having a political fight with someone on Twitter while my dog was out back barking at the wind.
Then we switched.
ME: I can’t find my glasses
SON: They’re on your head
ME: [beer spilling down my face] lmao not again
Yogi Bear: You gonna eat that?
Hiker: THAT’S A BABY.
YB: And I’m a talking bear.
Hiker:
YB:
Hiker:
YB: So where are we on that baby?
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
A friend of ours directed a horror movie that’s doing very well, but when he tried to get certain actors to be in it, they refused.
Now he’s sending them emails with the box office receipts and streaming numbers, with the message “Remember when you wouldn’t be in my movie?” 🎃
‘I’ve been published!”
My wife: Calm down you wrote an Amazon review.
[writing my first autopsy report]
There was a slight mix-up initially but it turns out the guy died from an accidental autopsy
Irony ~ giving my daughter a set of my old encyclopedias and she Googles “What’s an encyclopedia?”
3:
[in bedroom]
*refuses to pick up toys*
[at playground]
*picks up three cigarette butts, a band-aid, and half a dead bird*
I feel like if one pizza roll bursts then they all join in for solidarity
The three genders
You know your kid is Canadian when she’s watching football and asks why no one is skating
She posted me to the group chat and they said I’m handsome
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
Whoever said money can’t buy happiness didn’t like things as much as I do.