On my home screen I surrounded the Fitbit app with a bunch of food delivery apps so it knows what’s up.
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ME: I’ve got this nervous tick
DR: Since when?
ME: [taking small arachnid from pocket] July?
MICK: [sweating] You said you’d do the talking
Saw an old man dancing in the street, and couldn’t help but wonder if he had finally paid off his student loan.
Nothing says I’m drunk like:
“I’m drunj.”
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
White people dance like they have an invisible hula hoop around their waist.
My apathy is at an all time whatever.
This morning in my local coffee shop.
Customer: “A large mug with four shots of espresso and the rest filled with milk, please.”
Barista: “Are you sure? That’s a latte coffee!”
#EspressoDay #WednesdayThought #RubbishJokes
[classified ads]
CHEAP BOAT: USED ONLY ONCE! CALL 1-800-TITANIC FOR DETAILS
Therapist: We need to discuss why you think the moon is your enemy.
Me: He controls the tides, you know. That’s too much power.
Newscast in the background: “-unprecedented number of tsunamis this year-“
Me: He’s trying to silence me.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
My daughter just said it’s cold outside so she’s going to wear “a long sleeve shirt and long sleeve shorts.” Pants. She’s going to wear pants.
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
{Me as Cop}
*Kneels over body* We’re looking for someone briefly introduced even though they don’t seem relevant to the overall plot line.
[The First Halloween: October 31, 17 A.D.]
KID: I’m hungry
DAD: Go ask the neighbour for food
Here’s a meme
Lower your expectations.
Lower yet.
Keep going.
There.
Hi, I’m Nancy!
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
My husband asked me to iron a shirt, so to be nice, I went out and bought him the same shirt with no wrinkles.
[spider walking into spinning class] What’s up with the bikes?
*holding huge scissors*
I hereby declare The Factory That Makes High Voltage Wires That Look Like Ceremonial Ribbons officially open for-
[Grocery store checkout]
Me: *cracks open a beer*
Manager: Sir, you can’t do that in here
Me: It’s ok, I’m gonna pay for this
Manager: No, I mean the pony. You can’t ride a pony in here
cdc: covid lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Move the bed into the kitchen, bro
ME: can I ask one last question
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: ok shoot
[gunshots]
FIRING SQUAD CAPTAIN: aw heck
If you wanna see that guy you used to like, go out in public looking your worst and it’s practically guaranteed.
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
I just learned that there’s a porn genre that involves being fucked and fed junk food at the same time so I guess this is “goodbye.”
According to the heart rate monitor on this treadmill, I died 14 minutes ago.
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
First in my neighborhood to cut the grass and now the other husbands are looking at me like I reminded the teacher to assign homework.