The guy who invented “Take Your Child To Work Day” was probably too late to drop his kid off at school on the way to work.
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TEACHER: if i have 5 apples and take away 2, what’s left
KID: your left or my left
As I was lovingly tucking in my 5yo, I told her I loved her and she responded with, “You’ve been a great mommy….so far.”
You are what you eat? I’m about to become sandals
It’s a good thing when your therapist sits down with a bucket of popcorn, right?
I dug a small hole in the Earth.
I did a handstand.
Im wearing the Earth as a hat.
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
It’s pretty awesome that everyone at Chuck E Cheese knows me by name, even if it is because they banned me from coming back
*Press Conference*
Physicist: We found gravitational waves near a black hole
Surfer: *raises hand* Wait dude, so can you carve on these bombs? Are they rippable
Physicist: Nah. Due to tidal forces near the event horizon these waves are extremely gnarly brah, like so aggro
3: *throws plate in sink
Me: but you barely ate!
3: yeah, I’m full…what are you eating?
Me: the same thing you had
3: can I have a bite?
Ways to win my heart:
1) Be cute
2) Be kind
3) Be cheesecake
Pi Day is just a fake holiday created by math companies to sell more math.
5 just handed me the household nunchucks and said, “here, you’re in charge now.”
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
[Asking for Sanctuary at the church]
Priest: your girlfriend finally heard that La Cucaracha horn you put on her car?
Me: yeah
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
One time I stayed in a relationship three months longer than I should’ve because the person had a flattering mirror in their apartment
Sorry for letting bad things happen to good people all these years.
Sugar in the bloodstream, I’m the world’s problem now.
My hair is so strong you can floss your teeth with it
– me flirting
GPS: We have arrived at the bank.
Me: Okay, great.
GPS: There are no cops within eight minutes of the bank.
Me: …What?
GPS: It takes three minutes to write a note and get to the front of the line.
Me: I’m not going to rob —
GPS: *Sigh* Fine. We never do anything fun
Not having a sex life has saved me a lot of money on razors.
Who called it a defense mechanism and not emoating
Doormat
Placemat
Yoga mat
Laundry matYes, it’s another four mat tweet.
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
Django and Bjork, sitting in a tree, j-j-j-j-j-j-j.
(Scientist: On average, you swallow at least three spiders when you’re sleeping)
Me: That’s the last time I allow scientist to watch me sleep
Stranger: nice to meet you
Me: give it time
Newscaster: In other news, a local man was severely beaten by group of roving youths
*cut to file footage of me prancing around town in a unicorn costume*
Newscaster: Moron, this, at 11
We will require you to do something somewhat onerous and time-comsuming and then introduce impediments to completing it.
– my employer
therapist: What do we say when we want to smile and be happy?
me: Cheese.
therapist: No, that’s for a photo.
me: That’s for everything.