me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
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40ish year old me thinks 18ish year old me should’ve planned something better with her life.
Saw a dude chugging a bottle of mustard and it wasn’t even close to the weirdest thing I witnessed today. I’ll ketchup with more details later.
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
My editor has informed me that I do not know how hyphens work.
I’m not-sure how I feel about-this.
“Oh, no. No, no, no. Are you kidding me?” -First thing I would say if someone raised me from the dead
losing my mind at my mom’s reply to my insta story
when my daughter asks me how much more dinner she needs to eat to get dessert i like to answer in abstract quantities like ‘the average weight of joy’ or ‘seven sunsets’ to teach her that life often doesn’t make sense and also quit sassing me and eat your peas, kid.
Santa Claus: I bring presents to children around the world.
Easter Bunny: I bring children baskets of candy.
Tooth Fairy: I collect human teeth.
*others back away*
on this day in 2001 my roommate picked up the phone and canceled at 93% my Napster download of Ms. Jackson by Outkast that had been going for 11 hours
If you use the iPhone 6 upside down, boom, iPhone 9.
me: [tries to spend time with kids. They don’t want to]
[Bed time]
Kids: I wanna do something with you! You don’t spend time with us!!
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
Feeling pretty tough lately and thinking about joining a gang. Any of you guys need an accountant?
“Shelley’s coming over.”
“Shelley from work or Shelley who was raised by gorillas?”
*gets hit in the face with poop*
My teens hanging with me at 7pm:
19yo: I need to email my professor!
15yo: That’s late for an old person.
19yo: He answered me back!
15yo: Wow! You sure he’s as old as Mom?
Me: Hey!
19yo: No–
Me: Thank you!
19yo: Definitely not as old as Mom!
Me: HEY!
I just met the most interesting man at the laundromat
And then I realized that he can’t even afford
A washer or a dryer
If you don’t kiss the one ring, Fredo will throw you in the fires on top of Old Smokey
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
[An old thermometer breaks scattering mercury beads all over the floor]
“Get out of here, NOW!”
“Why?”
“HAVEN’T U SEEN TERMINATOR 2?”
Research says that if you’re afraid of spiders, you’re most likely to find them in your bedroom. I’m afraid of men with accents so…
i am yelling at all my family members right now, does anyone need someone yelled at, WILL YELL FOR FREE
I’m too young to always make noises when I bend down to pick something up off the ground
Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
Att’n birds in my yard: the one to the LEFT of the feeder is for drinking, the one to the RIGHT is for bathing. Get it together you guys.
[buys new refrigerator with water dispenser]
day 1: I will never tire of this water dispenser
day 15: still luvin’ this water dispenserday 4563: wahey! water dispenser
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
i’d imagine the sound of clowns having sex would just be a cacophony of bicycle horns
The baby bites me a lot cuz she’s teething and fine, whatever, but just now she followed it up with some loud air chewing like she thought she was actually eating me and that was appropriate.
Okay, OKAY, I’ll take “I did it all for the nookie” off my résumé.