Just stepped on the scale. Now I have to replace a broken window and add $467 to the curse word jar.
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*Death comes for me but is once again fooled by my false moustache*
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.
11yo: Are we there yet?
Me: Minutes away
11yo: Technically we’re always minutes away from everything, we’re minutes away from death right now
May someone of my non-German mutuals explain German Burger King to me:
The Grammy performers prove that no matter age, sex, race, religion or looks, I have no idea who most them are.
Sign: Drive like your kids live here!
Me: *flooring it because I’m excited to meet my children for the first time*
Day 20. Still lost at sea. Crew thinks I know how to plot a course with a protractor. I just like making it walk on the map. Pointy Leg Man.
People in the UK eat more bananas than monkeys.
In 2014 they ate 73,432,384 bananas and only 6 monkeys.
Priest: What can I do for you son?
Me: A man ran over my dog and several hours later he died
Priest: Oh no I am so sorry
Me: The good news is my dog’s ok
Q-tips have a wide variety of household uses
Bruce Banner is a genius scientist and he still can’t figure out how to make stretchy clothes?
Trees put cats in their hair so they can flirt with firefighters when they climb up them.
Yes yes your avi is very attractive, but before this goes any further I need to know which streaming services you have passwords to.
What idiot called it a paternity test and not a pop quiz?
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
Gonna replace my friends’ hand sanitizer with lube and watch them rub their hands together for an hour while it doesn’t evaporate.
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
If you need me, I’m in bed snuggling with my emotional support Funyuns.
Terrifying if taken literally – if these walls could talk.
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed that my toddler broke the yellow crayon and now I can’t color the duck on the kids menu] Nothing
[at a child’s birthday party]
Lady: which one’s yours?
Me: uhh, that one
L: that’s my daughter
M: *grabs the cake and runs*
what’s a not gay way of asking your bro to pose shirtless for a pic that you’ll silkscreen on a body pillow?
Women are too difficult, I’m gonna marry a poptart
The coolest thing about dating Mystique from the X-men is the unlimited free food samples she can get for you at Costco
Christian Bale has done ok for himself considering he’s named after a religious bundle of hay.
Why tf bills never go on sale ? Can i get a buy one get one month free or something? Damn