Just tell me those 3 words I am dying to hear:
“The meeting’s cancelled.”
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Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
Jesus: Time for a miracle!
Puritan: Anyone who goes in water and floats is a witch
Jesus:
Puritan:
Jesus: who likes fish
Get ahead at the office by taking work home with you over the weekend. No need to work on it just make sure people see you take it home…
To level the playing field, online dating sites should require using the picture in your driver’s license.
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
any two men could tell me they were in daft punk and i would believe them
Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
1st Kid: spends 6 weeks sewing perfect costume
2nd Kid: *cuts holes in an old NKOTB beach towel* just say you’re an 80’s ghost or some shit
Pretty rude of us to assume his name was Jaws
I never met a cheese I didn’t like.
I clean my car less for me and more for any potential valet encounters
mom: Do you need us to bring anything tomorrow?
me: Pumpkin pie
mom: Anything else?
me: Turkey
mom
me: Stuffing
mom
me: Plates
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
[pushing cheese slice into ATM which is repeatedly rejected] you don’t know value
No.
Woke up and poured myself a cup of coffee and then took a nap…
So no, technically, Ms. Snooty HR, I didn’t sleep through my alarm again.
Locked in the house because the earth is on fire, dreaming of simpler times, when we were locked in the house because of a catastrophic pandemic.
BELLE: *Trying to be polite* So, why do they call you Beast?
BEAST: *Legitimately surprised and hurt* People call me Beast?
My friend’s offering to pay for a trip to NY to be her +1 for a wedding.
She’s probably going to drug me & sell my organs. *agrees to go 🙂
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
I will literally eat plates of junk and think nothing of it, then eat a single berry and Google its health benefits
A cell phone with a low battery is nothing more than a damn-cell in distress
MISSING: Black and white cat with red collar. Very, very intelligent.
Mittens, if you’re reading this, please come home…….
Cat: *sitting on arm of chair watching in silent fascination as I search my house for my missing phone for 10 minutes*
Me: *exasperated, sitting down on couch* I can’t find it
Cat: *getting up, stretching lazily, jumping down to reveal he’s been sitting on my phone*
Your mask is a bit different, but you are one of us now
jfc, the doctor doing my physical just asked if I was “that twitter guy” so I said “yup, I’m the funny twitter guy,” and he responded “I didn’t say funny.” We haven’t even gotten to the awkward part of this appointment yet 🙁
Then she had the nerve to tell me I had control issues!
I’ll do this part. *takes scalpel from my surgeon*
Surgeon: You should be asleep.
In hell, you wait for a ‘verify your email address’ email that never arrives.