I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
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me: “so when do you think we’ll see a big hairy boy?”
my hunting partner: “please call them bears”
Hell yes we can still be friends if you don’t drink, I’m not that shallow. You have a driver’s license, right??
You: (tweeting something personal and profound)
Me: (replying to said tweet) *you’re
Nothing confuses me more than when the worker at a wine tasting says that the wine I’m about to sample is bursting with delicious flavors of apple, pear, and peaches, but all I can taste is armpit.
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
If you don’t open your mouth when you yawn, you’re a monster. I’m serious. Let that demon go. You’re freaking everybody out.
Why buy it for $7 when you can make it yourself with $92 worth of craft supplies.
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
Every single cat would kill you if it was big enough. Think about THAT when you are deciding between name brand cat food and the generic.
Cookie Monster: C is for cookie, that’s good enough for me
Spelling bee judge: You have to do the whole word
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
[JAN 1]
*tears off Dec 2016 calendar page*
[JANUARY 2016, Part 2]
What?
*flips*
[YOU DIDN’T THINK]
*flips*
[2016 WOULD END, DID YOU?!]
NOO!!
tamagotchi my fitbit
owners
🤝
trying to keep a weird
little guy alive
Don’t eat sugar, don’t drink alcohol, don’t eat saturated fat, wear sunscreen, drink plenty of water, moisturize, and exercise….
And you’ll be the healthiest corpse in the morgue.
When someone is ignoring your messages..
just text them “I heard something about you”
and then ignore them too😜😜
Granmas leave the plastic fruit display with your bite marks on it to remind you of what you did 35 years ago
Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
HOUSE: I had dreams but no I’ll just stay here & let u live in me, fine whatever
WIFE: Did u hear something
ME: It’s just the house settling
Coughed up a pawn. Then a bishop.
Damn chess infection 😕
Me: You just sat on my glasses.
Husband: *Stands up* What?
Me: While you’re up, can you grab some popcorn?
Falls for it every time.
Fellas, you can pretty much get away with anything while our nails are wet.
If a tree falls in the woods it should break into a light jog so it looks like it did it on purpose.
[The Justice League on patrol]
Superman: Wait! I smell something fishy…
Batman:*chuckles*
Aquaman: Know what? Screw you guys. I’m going home
In one class I have a Bella, an Ella, an Eli and an Ellie. Say those names quickly three times in a row and Bloody Mary appears to steal your freshly sharpened pencils.
awesome draft from months ago i just found
Accidentally ate the sticker on my apple. This wouldn’t have happened if it had been a Snickers.
Witches these days have it so easy. Do you know how hard it used to be to find so many newts? Now you get them with free 2 day shipping.
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
Me *putting honey on toast*
Son: do you know bees make that?
Me: uh yeah I’m not an idiot
[Later]
Date: tell me something interestingMe: bees make toast