when you’re broke you really start pondering. like if i didn’t buy that taco in 2018 i would have that $6 rn
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I’ve yet to find a romantic comedy that speaks to me. Maybe if they set it in an institution or an Arby’s restroom.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
[Exit interview]
HR: So, where do you think you went wrong?
GUY WHO LET THE BIG WOOD HORSE INTO TROY:
some days I’m all [sound of a fluffy cloud violently smashing into a mountain] other days I’m [sound of crocodiles gently eating a mitten]
date: tell me about yourself
me: I want to kill the moon
date: I have a bit of a dark side too
me: [narrows eyes]
gf: i’m leaving you
me: is it because i act like i know everything?
gf: yea-
me: i knew it
Need some quiet time this Mother’s Day? Stick your toddler in the tub with a dissolved bath bomb and ask her to find it
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a wood chipper, rented under a fake name.
[Stock market crashes]
“Oh no, I better check on my investments!”
*opens cupboard over top of the sink*
[1000s of Shrek dvds fall out]
[Arriving to cult meeting]
Cult leader: Did you bring the sacrifice?
Me, standing in a puddle of water:
Shit…I thought you said sack of ice.
Movies taught me that, when you place a small sentimental item in someone’s hand, you also have to close their hand for them.
My cat swallowed a ball of wool a few months ago and just gave birth to a litter of mittens
I owe most of my colossal success to exaggeration.
Sorry not sorry.
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
If you let me, shear’s what I’ll do. I’ll take hair off ewe
I think we should hear other voices.
Anyone else’s spine sound like an accordion when they go to bend over?
No?
My cat’s name is Isis, so you can imagine my horror when I turned on the news and saw “Isis believed to be allied with Al-Qaeda”
Friend: What do your kids like to eat?
Me: Anything that is on my plate, even though it’s also on theirs.
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
It’s cute how the grocery store cashier told me to have a great Thanksgiving like I won’t be back to the store six more times in the next seven days.
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
My grandad’s novel about his killer bicep workout would’ve been a huge success if that jerk Hemingway hadn’t stolen ‘A Farewell to Arms’
[marriage counseling]
She thinks I make bad decisions
“He picked a fight with a raccoon”
HE LOOKED LIKE A CRIMINAL, KAREN
4 y/o: how does Santa go to everyone’s house in one night
me: warp speed
4 y/o: warp speed isn’t real
me: neither is Santa go to sleep
Mysteries of #Interstellar: Gotta tell you. Mars (right next door) looks waay safer than those new planets they travelled to.
Satan: Welcome to hell! You can spend all eternity walking barefoot across legos OR you can wear these crocs.
Me: NOOOOOOOO!!!!!!