When you send a risky message to your crush and wait for the reply
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Going viral on X is like winning a lotto during the apocalypse
What is love?
You just sang “baby, don’t hurt me.” In your mind didn’t you?
I get all my indisputable political facts from what my uncle Harold posts on Facebook. Like did u know Obama killed the last living unicorn?
wordle is just figuring out who to put in the bunkers during the apocalypse so humans can start procreating after.
blocked.
ME: What’s the first rule of bite club?
DRACULA: Is it biting?
ME: That’s right, Dracula, it’s biting.
RATTLESNAKE: [quietly to himself] I was gonna say biting.
*I describe my lost cat to the cops*
Sketch Artist: *draws my cat*
Detective Dog: *adds WANTED DEAD OR ALIVE beneath the picture*
A group of held hands can raise your spirits.
It’s séance!
“Hi, I have an appoint-“
“JUST HAVE A GODDAM SEAT!”
ME [first and last day working at Supercuts]: *styles everyone’s hair like Dog the Bounty Hunter*
Me attempting to flirt: So do you also like eating food?
Raise your kids to question all assumptions so one day your 10 y/o daughter can correctly point out that, “nobody ever said anything about Humpty Dumpty being an egg.”
genie: make a wish
bob: I wish I was rich
genie: your wish is granted
rich: thank you
When did razors get so expensive?
Three more payments and I’ll be able to shave
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
I like my women like I like my amulets: cursed
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first
While never officially canonized by a Pope, Saint Patrick is widely recognized as the patron saint of Slytherin.
As I was driving, some stranger yelled “what’s your problem lady?”
So I was honest, I said I drink too much and I can’t stop eating chips.
Breaking up
(be mature, be mature, be mature)
Me: (eating chips) you can’t use the carpool lane anymore.
hear me out: jurassic park sequel, but from the point of view of the dinosaurs ALSO: kenny loggins soundtrack
The phrase “it’s ok if they never make Shrek 5” is such a weak mindset. You are ok with no Fergus, no Farkle, no Felicia. When you stop getting angry after no news, you’ve lost twice.
There’s always more onions, and always room for more swamps, it’s never ogre.
At Fantastic Beasts & some nerds are in Hogwarts robes so I don’t know why they’re giving me the stink eye for my Wonder Woman outfit
Any time my wife brings up home renovations I just mention installing a urinal and suddenly we’re not talking about home renovations any more
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
The other day I walked past a neighbor’s house and the parrot on their porch whistled at me.
If I were a therapist, I would prescribe this to everyone with depression, every day, forever.
BRB gonna walk past my neighbor’s house
Taking inventory at a granite warehouse is counter productive.
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
I’m available to be MC for your wedding. I have a joke about Canadian couples saying “sorry” a lot that I think will go over really well.