– My dad (driving my car): How long has your car been doing this?
– Me: …Doing what?
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If Keenan and Kel decide
That they both are satisfied
And illuminate the no
On their Good Burger sign
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
My Grandfathers dying words to me were, “Are you still holding the ladder?”.
My suspicious mole cancelled my appointment with a dermatologist.
The scene from The Exorcist where she’s tied to the bed cursing like a sailor, but it’s me when getting a Brazilian.
Couldn’t remember the name ‘komodo dragon’ earlier so I called it a biguana.
My roomba on charge after cleaning up after 2 kids and 2 dogs.
[Cute Girl]: *in hot tub* Hey baby. Why don’t you come join me?
[Lobster]: No I’m good over here. That’s how my dad died.
Husband: Wouldn’t it be easier to buy a larger size jeans?
Me: (on roof) Just hold out my skinny jeans for me to jump into like we planned!
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs
1. Are your drugs missing?
“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign
*sees guy on a WANTED poster*
Must be nice
I’m playing chess against my gardener. Your move, Jesus.
him: can i be honest?
me: not from what i’ve seen.
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
I told all my colleagues at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I don’t have to talk to them.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
Me: who is your favourite spice girl?
Guy On The Subway: paprika and I’m a man
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
[Maroon 4 meeting]
Adam Levine: “Our band name sucks”
Drummer that no one knows the name of: “let’s think bigger”
Adam: “I’ve got it”
So, no one told my 13yo that spoons can’t go in the microwave.
How’s your day
My typo game is string.
This is your brain.
*holds up a brain*
And this is your brain on drugs.
*holds up a brain wearing a weird hat and a scarf*
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
If Kevin Bacon didn’t acknowledge his kids as “Bacon Bits” I’ll be forever disappointed.
Boss: Since it’s a long weekend, you can leave early today.
Me: [left 3 hours ago]
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
Me to my husband: “Don’t worry, he’s only 2, he’ll forget about wanting ice cream for dinner if we don’t bring it up.”
My 2yo: “Behold, mother, there is the exact space Grandma parked in when she drove me to this playground 3 weeks ago; I was clad in my green Stegosaurus shirt”
Don’t be fooled by the treadmill in my basement. I got it so I can be in a recliner drinking a beer even when I’m walking the dog.