*sneaks into neighbor’s garage & stuffs confetti into the nozzle of his leaf blower*
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My rap name is When i$ Lunch
Best way to ensure social distancing is to carry a clipboard everywhere. You’re welcome.
Friend : Going to therapy saved my marriage.
Me: I’m so sorry.
*drinking water* Ahh, yes. Surely this single glass will reverse what I did to my body this weekend.
I’ve never really found myself “in a pickle,” but it sounds quite jarring.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
[at my intervention]
mom: some of us feel uncomfortable with your pinned tweet
Somewhere, there is an employee specifically designing the bags of very small screws and hardware that fling their contents across the room when you try to open them. I will one day find something with your scent, and release the hounds upon you.
It’s so cute, whenever I sing along to an 80’s song, my kids ask me how I remember the words because I’m “so old”.
Her: remember Jimmy Neutron?
Me: yeah, but I haven’t seen it in years
Her: what was the super hero the nerdy kid loved?
Me: ultra lord, and his name was Sheen
Her: yes, thank you. When’s my birthday?
Me:
Her: when’s my birthday Kyle
Me:
Me: happy b-
Her: it was yesterday
Autocorrect and I are so close, we finish each other’s sentinels.
I’m not a morning person so at work people know not to bother me until I’ve had my coffee. Also I don’t drink coffee. It’s been very peaceful.
I’m putting off having kids mainly because I’m not ready to be 9 months sober.
“You’re great in bed.”
— me, talking to my breakfast
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
At this point, a nurse could tell me my blood pressure was 700 over clown shoes and I still wouldn’t know if that’s good or bad.
‘Hit me with your pet shark’ #RuinAn80sSong
30 is weird because I have pictures of my friends’ kids on my camera roll but also like a ton of nudes.
Toddler boy: worry about them eating enough.
Teen boy: worry about them leaving you something to eat.
If this can be a salad, you can be anything.
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
Dracula: well? do I have any cavities?
Dentist: *using tiny mirror* hmm I… I can’t tell
I wish I had the same faith in myself as people who leave me voicemails do
Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.
Olfactory?! You mean that place downtown where a man cans millions of peaches?
My brother used, as wrapping paper, the €70 wallpaper that Mum had bought to redecorate rooms. Cannot cope ahahah
First Christmas argument underway.
deleting dating apps because i want to meet someone the old fashioned way (riding an unsinkable luxury ship right into an iceberg)
[date]
Her: so you’re a mathematician?
Me: no actually I’m a *pythagorean doves fly out of my sleeve and hit her in the face* mathemagician
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
I hate puns. There ain’t a pun in the world I would ever shar…