My teen can’t seem to make her own bowl of cereal, but she can make a Tik Tok recipe with 17 ingredients.
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DR DOG: *applying a cast to a broken bone* Are you sure you don’t just want me to cut it off?
If you are wondering how many ketchup packets you can put in a Holiday Inn hot tub before people stop going in, the answer is 9.
[IKEA meatball recipe]
1/2 lb ground beef
1/2 cup cream
1 small onion finely chopped
4 allen wrenches
20 minute argument
2 tbsp butter
lingonberry or some shit
you’re doing it wrong
salt to taste
just let me do it
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
20% of traffic accidents involve deer.Who allowed deer to drive in the first place?
Congrats, you’ve been selected for the job
Me: Whats the salary?
10k now and will increase to 25k later
Me: Ok then, I will come later
You can trust me, but not “leave me unattended around garlic bread” trust me.
Her: …so are you into playing sexy games in bed?
Me: Absolutely…Are you talking Monopoly?
Her:
Me: I’ll be the thimble.
I’m scared some kid is going to break into my house and fleek me to death with a bae
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
I can’t explain it but making the bed changes me on a deep spiritual level. Stressed? Make the bed! The rest of your house is in shambles? Ahhhh look at that nice made bed, luxury! 5 mins before bedtime but you forgot to make the bed? Simply make the bed and get in it.
Here’s an interesting graph about WhatsApp usage during the Franco-Prussian War
[blind date]
HER: I just wish women were treated equal…You know what I mean?
ME: Absolu-
WAITER: I hate to interrupt but can I take your drink order?
HER: Yes, I’ll have a Manhattan
ME: Make mine a *turns to non-existent camera*…Womanhattan
Every so often, someone in the know has a momentary lapse in judgment, and you get a glimpse of what geopolitics in the 21st century is actually like.
This is one of the most illuminating tweets ever in that regard:
Beyoncé: I cannot wait to slum it with some earth mortals at – wait what is it called again?
Jay-Z: Coachella.
Beyoncé: Coachella.
day 1: we’re in this together babe.
day 47: i can hear you breathing.
Hey! With the intention of somehow making you pay later for cheekily stealing those fries from me
How long do you have to wait between naps?
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
friend: this isn’t what i had in mind when you asked me to come househunting with you
hugh laurie: [runs out of the bushes and bounds away like a slender gazelle]
me: [shouldering rifle] dammit you spooked him
On my way to work I saw a turtle crossing at a TURTLE CROSSING SIGN omg so responsible.
ad for vacations:
how would you like to feel extremely tired somewhere else
[painfully braiding my jellyfish] but not having you as a friend would hurt more
Motherhood is when your child looks like a sparkling cherub and you look like a steaming pile of nope.
I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
“You’re running into trouble requesting something because there’s a late book on your account.”
“See, this is why I don’t like using the library. It takes me time to read things! How long have I had it out?”
“I mean, about seventy-two months. But hey I’m all for pacing yourself.”
The problem with the Met Gala is you can’t stop picturing all the assistants having the worst month of their lives.
I hope this magician is good [curtain rises to reveal a man with no goatee] get your coats, children. that man is a fraud.
Do I look like Christopher Columbus? Am I guiding a ship to a new land? So, when I ask for directions, please don’t use words like “East.”
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.