[Dentist waiting room]
Me: [chanting] teeth, teeth-
Other patients: teeth, TEETH
Secretary: [pounding her clipboard] TEETH, TEETH, TEETH!
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When life gives me lemons, I make lemon meringue pie..because lemonade is for amateurs…& because I’m gay..& we always take it up a notch.
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
Didn’t have my glasses on and genuinely thought this was a diagram of a chop.
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
I can see the appeal of being a nudest everytime I do laundry
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
[Bar]
HOT WOMAN: You know…my bed is kinda cold when I’m in it on my ownME: Well maybe I could help you with that *leans in* just put a small heater by the side of your bed
[3 days later]
ME: [spits out coffee] DAMN IT
*being chased by serial killer
Me: hold on I need to put on my Fitbit
Dog park man handed me an ice cream and I must’ve looked a bit too excited because he felt the need to clarify it was for the pup not me
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
[Luxury hotel planning meeting]
Fluffy pillows?
Absolutely.Soft towels?
Definitely.Quality toilet paper?
Sandpaper is fine.
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
Good news everyone, the priest who took my confession is expected to make a full recovery
doctor: i’m sorry [consoling my family] he’s going to live
Genie: You get one wish.
Me: I wish I had more twitter followers.
Genie: Done. *vanishes*
*Checks phone*
Genie is now following you.
This elevator skit is so incredibly simple
And I think that’s what makes it perfect.
Automated phone system: To speak to a representative, please enter the last twelve digits of pi.
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
During a calendar lesson today in first grade…
Me: Who can tell us what season of the year it will be this Saturday? What season comes after summer?
6yo boy: (completely serious) Football season.
Does this dress make me look cat?
Not to brag or anything, but I got the high score on my scale today.
wife: is that ellen?
daughter: no, it’s dory
me: ellen is the actress that plays dory
daughter: is she a fish?
me: no, she’s a human
daughter: then that’s not her, cause that actress is a fish
*At an auction*
Me: So…I’m outta cash. 😬
Host: What now? 🤨
Me *bids farewell*
According to the law it’s not appropriate to put a bounty on my boss. I actually thought it showed great initiative and leadership.
[Blind date]
Girl: I’ve always had a bit of a thing for bad boys
Dog: [starts putting on his coat] I don’t think this is gonna work out
My family keeps throwing sweaters in the laundry basket like we wash those.
“Oh my god I LOVE this song” -Me, listening to a Favorite Songs playlist I made
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.