The fastest way to teach a kid to ride a bike is to strap their feet to the pedals and chase them with broccoli.
You Might Also Like
People act all namby-pamby while dating, then wonder why divorce rates are so high. Stop chatting about the weather and start asking the real questions, people. How do you feel about lace curtains? Will you cheat on me if I let myself go? Do you check your brake lines regularly?
We need less flight attendants and more Costco sample ladies on airplanes.
To clean up or just move. This is the question.
Air conditioners are just human refrigerators
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
Why does the minion look better in a thong than me? and other random thoughts
I’m so annoyed. I just spent 45 minutes filing my taxes and I only found out at the end it was a Buzzfeed quiz. I was like why does the IRS want to know what breakfast I think is “the most slay?” Anyway I’m a Ravenclaw.
Toby Keith playing a men-only concert in Saudi Arabia is historic. It’s the 1st time being a woman in Saudi Arabia is a benefit.
ME: The word “thief” should be spelled “theif” or we should change how it is pronounced to “thigh-ff” but “thief” always seems incorrect.
COP: While I agree with you, you are still extremely under arrest, lol.
I wanna get in touch with those teachers who told me that I have potential, and be like, “Ha! I didn’t amount to anything! In your face!”
Nothing ends a debate like an Asian mom carrying a wooden spoon.
ME *enters new password*
COMPUTER: Ok
M: Aren’t u going tell me it’s too weak?
C: I’ve seen your life & more criticism just seems unkind
I already told you Mom I’m NOT high and I’ll be home at 10:70
*gets pulled over by police*
*shows a little skin*
Officer: “Who’s skin is that? Please step out of the vehicle sir.”
i get in my bubble bath with clenched fists to make me look more manly
[My first day as Lady Gaga]
*talking to my stylist*
just wrap ham around my face.
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
I heard my 4yo bump her knee on the coffee table and went over to kiss her boo-boo, like she usually asks me to do, but she said she kissed it herself and was feeling all better.
And now I’m jealous of my 4yo’s coping skills.
CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
I need a new maid, because the current one sucks. Also, she’s me.
“Better out than in,” my dad always used to say.
Lovely man.
Terrible heart surgeon.
Hang in there, you can do it.
-Canadian bathroom graffiti
Vaccines in Australia are called emunizations.
My dating profile just says, “High risk, high reward”.
Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.