I was pretty frustrated when my 5yo kept calling me an “old man” until he clarified that being old meant that I was 20
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It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
Whatever the plot is in Barbie’s movie, my dolls have been through worse
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit
“My god,” the explosives specialist says. “The bomb’s diffuser is hooked up to a ridiculously difficult sudoku that has to be solved in under 6 minutes!”
I slowly look up. My time has come…
Had to put a scarecrow on my wind farm ’cause crows were eating all the wind.
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
Him: Watch your language at dinner tonight.
Me: So you want less Tarantino…
H: …and more Seuss.
M: Gotcha. No swearing. Lots of rhyming.
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
[god inventing humans]
angel: what does it do
god: creates, loves, invents…
angel: awesome
god: storms area 51 in the style of an anime character
angel: wtf
god: it also makes quiche
Friend: I heard you survived a heart attack
Me: Yeah. I owe my life to the big man upstairs
Fat Larry: *shouting from upstairs* You’re welcome
There’s nothing quite like a stale, tired format tweet in the wrong hands.
Hands: Hold my beer.
Whenever I go to a restaurant without my kids, I feel like something is missing…
DOES ANYONE NEED THEIR TUSHY WIPED?!
her: wanna go upstairs
me: ok
her: do u have protection
me: [nervously] why what’s up there
Fox News: Witnesses are telling us Michael Brown may have charged Officer Darren Wilson atop a dragon, wielding a poison-tipped broadsword
They bad news is my teenager is running a fever; the good news is he’s still feeling well enough to make “yo mama” jokes.
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
me: [nervously] how often do these things crash
flight attendant: just once usually
It’s fine to eat a “test” grape in the produce section but you take one bite of a rotisserie chicken and it’s all, “sir you need to leave.”
Cops in movies keeping guard outside hospital rooms have a 0% success rate.
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
Gross, who put proof in this pudding?
Brain cell 1: say have a nice day
Brain cell 2: nah say have a good oneMouth: Haven gice done
The longer I stay home, the more homeless I look
I don’t mind coming to work, but this eight hour wait to go home is just ridiculous!
There’s nothing like sitting by an open fire..watching the evidence burn.
I banged my toe really hard on the sofa, and now it won’t stop texting me.
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
maybe my uterus is haunted, or maybe there’s an actual shark up there
[sitting at a table]
Wife: writes number on paper and slides it across.
Me: crosses out and writes new number*thermostat negotiations*
Dear Ninja Turtles,
Why are you wearing masks? There are no other giant, mutated turtles. No one’s gonna mistake a different turtle for you.