[at sheep farm]
Me: So how do you get steel wool?
Farmer: well, that we get from our metal sheep
Me: huh?
*sheep walks by with Slayer shirt
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If you don’t like the way I drive then get off the hood of my car.
Does the 5 second rule apply when you accidentally say “I love you” during sex?
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
“What do you prefer strength or length?” *How I talk to my friends … apparently about toilet rolls
“Honey, can you come here?”
“What is it?”
“There’s something in the tub.”
“Spider?”
“I don’t think so.”
“Just squish it.”
“Can you please do it?”
“Stop being such a baby.”
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
Today, I want to talk about petting a cat with wet hands and why that’s no good for your hands or the cat.
Me: what do you call an insect that used to work for a rideshare company?
Her: don’t
Me: exuberant
Her: what is the opposite of a crime of passion
My daughter gets all bossy when we’re playing with her Barbies, but I just smile. Then when she’s at school I play with them the way I want.
“I’ll sleep when I’m dead” – me, before having kids
“I will murder someone for a nap”- me now
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
Everyone talks about finding the one that makes their heart skip a beat. Personally I’m not looking to develop a heart problem
This is my emotional support chloroform rag
Does anyone else find it ironic when a celebrity with a face full of Botox talks about having the freedom of expression?
Will I understand F-35 if I haven’t seen F-1 thru F-34?
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.
I want that job where I push scared skydivers out of planes.
last night a woman wouldn’t stop talking during my show and when we asked her to stop she said “none of you were funny and I know funny because my godfather is the voice of spongebob” which is just the most incredible attempt at a flex
If anyone asks me about a movie, I say I only go to movies for the popcorn.
[eating chicken]
farmer: YOU AGAIN
“dont get conned into spendin our lottery money”
i wont
[calls wife back]
will 2 sharks fit in our pool?
“NO”
ok
[to salesman]
one shark pls
Me as a news anchor:
an explosion at a nearby t-shirt warehouse resulted in thousands of *turns head to other camera* casual tee casualties
me: [slides bank teller a note]
bank teller: what’s a “roblery”
Sometimes you just don’t realize you needed that emotional release until it’s over, you know?
my stomach full of six different kinds of cake: i hate u
me: can I buy a hotdog with ketchup?
him: no, cash only
If someone says they just love the smell of books, I always want to pull them aside and be like, to be clear, do you know how reading works
2025: The piñatas have become sentient. Children beaten mercilessly w/ sticks. Mariachi music everywhere.
*sips iced coffee*
man I’ve been feeling so anxious lately
*has another iced coffee*
I wonder why I had that panic attack the other night
*chugs redbull*
my social anxiety has been a waking nightmare
*takes a bath in cold brew and espresso with a 5 hour energy face mask*
Which sounds more foreboding, Impending Doom or Imminent Demise, I want this wedding toast to be memorable.
“Robots will never rule the earth” I say as I stand up at the beckoning of my watch