Him: You’ll always be the one that got away. Me: Escaped. Him: What? Me: I said Thanks.
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[pitching my invention of liquid chicken nuggets]
CEO: so you just drink them?
ME: *pulls a needle and syringe out of my briefcase* think bigger
Earth, 1980: please stop emitting so much carbon dioxide
People: lol nah
Earth, 2020: HEY REMEMBER WHEN I ASKED NICELY LOL
I need a strapping man or woman to come fireman carry me upstairs to bed and brush my teeth. No weirdos (which is why my husband can’t do it).
[playing pictionary]
Her: A circle..a ring…a diamond ring…a diamond engagement ring…OMG YES I’LL MARRY YOU!
Him: Its a door knocker.
still think about that time in high school when the track team captain printed out a list of people who owed money for team shirts and forgot to pick it up after class. she got called down to the principal’s office because it was titled “People Who Have to Pay”
Went for a handshake and got snubbed. So I turned it into an impromptu Macarena dance, since I didn’t wanna look stupid
As my toddlers took me down like a pride of lions, one pinning my shoulders to the floor and one biting my ear, it occurred to me that maybe we should watch less nature channel
When you’re married, every kiss begins with, “Have you brushed your teeth yet?”
u buy breath mints? who needs to buy breath mints, people give me breath mints all the time, they just hand it to me like “here, take this.” also, why are u buying soap
[interview]
So what’s a personal strength?
“Honesty.”
And a failing?
“I murder people who don’t hire me.”
*Walks into brothel*
One chicken soup to go please
God making man in his image was the original selfie
saying you’re celebrating your 2 year anniversary:
-dull
-overused
-nobody caressaying you’ve been together for 4 brexit extensions:
-original
-spicy
-culturally poignant
It’s raining men because the aliens are returning the abductees in the most compelling way possible.
ME [explaining Daylight Savings Time]: yeah, you can just do crimes. that entire hour DOES NOT count. legally speaking
Mom there’s a boogie man in my closet!
*mom looks and I’m standing there with an afro in a satin shirt and platform shoes
If only I were rich enough to be the first corpse in an Agatha Christie novel
[hiding under bed from murderer]
cellmate: I know you’re there
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
me: i have a thought
twitter: are you sure you want to choose violence?
Describe yourself in four bold words and two exclamation points
Me:
What if we gave the railroad workers LSD?
– inventor of the roller coaster
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
u guys got any snacks onboard here
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
if it’s fantasy football i see no reason why i can’t start a dragon at first base
*rolls out of bed*
*rolls into other strategically placed bed*
“Nice.”
My kids were very upset to learn that we are eating animals when we eat meat, so they’ve decided to stop.
Except for the animals that make bacon, chicken nuggets, and hamburgers.
My cat just knocked over my coffee mug and looked at me like it was my fault. How dare I put it on the edge of the table?
I wonder how many people die each year as a result of lifeguards running in slow motion.