The best part about pooping with the door open is seeing the faces of everyone in the elevator.
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If used correctly, Twitter can be used as an antidepressant. Just don’t take it as a suppository.
According to a Doritos bag size I’m a “Family.”
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
The Mayfly has the shortest lifespan of any animal, at a mere 24 hours. Fortunately the drinking age for Mayflies is 45 minutes, so it makes for a pretty awesome day.
When people say NYC apartments are cozy, we mean there’s no room for a freezer to hide a body
My son told me I need to show more interest in sports, so now I sit next to the TV, stare at my phone, and occasionally yell “Go team!” Then I look up, realize the hockey game is long over, and oh look, I’m cheering for Law and Order.
cop: are you high?
me: if i was high could i do this? *vaults over car hood and does 360 no scope*
cop: did you just say “asterisk vaults ov
“Human sacrifice was a bloody and barbaric tradition – but could stopping it altogether be why the rains aren’t coming?” – bronze age opinion columnist
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
It is a truth universally acknowledged that if two people are at Home Depot one of them is pissed about it.
I made a Tinder account for 1st time ever today for some blog research and it’s going pretty well.
This is exactly how that old gypsy lady said I was going to die.
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
Now is the perfect time to openly dig any graves you may need for the coming year and call it halloween decor.
A lot of people get scared when they watch movies. Not me. I know the lion at the start is just a logo.
How my wife saves money:
Wife: I’m going to get my car detailed.
Me: The hell you are! You know how expensive that is?
*happily spends twice the amount of time I normally would cleaning her car*
Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
Remember that weird kid who ate the batteries in middle school? Well he’s a millionaire now! Just kidding, he died. He ate batteries.
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
I don’t believe in all your ghosts, crystals and astrology hocus-pocus unless I have a shot at you. In which case, I’m a Gemini and, my god, your aura is transcendent.
[god creating ants]
Anteater: finally
[edits wikipedia so the facts i made up for my school paper work]
Me: I’m sad my favorite beef jerky has been making my stomach hurt.
Husband: Maybe you shouldn’t eat the whole bag.
Me: No one asked you.
Husband “I thought you were dieting?”
Me “I am”
Husband “You just ate 6 Oreos”
Me “Yes but I want to eat 12. See – Dieting”
Should I ever go missing, please don’t let the news use my 7th grade picture.
“Everything’s fine,” the babysitter said into the phone. “But can I cover up the weird clown statue in your hallway?”
“Get out of the house, I’m calling the police,” the father urgently replied. “You have disrespected my clown statue and I hate you.”
REALTOR: It’s a great neighborhood. Wonderful schools-
ME: And the Pokemon?
REALTOR: …. sigh. Mostly Pidgeys
ME: I think I’ve seen enough.
Friend: “Wow, your guest bedroom is so nice.”
Me: “That’s for your dog. You can sleep on the couch.”
*angrily detangles self from wind chime*
I think when you get your photo taken for your driver’s license they should squirt you in the face with a water gun. Then your picture will have that annoyed and upset look to match when the cop pulls you over