Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
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[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
Plot Twist: Your taxes cheated on you.
perseus is an idiot, he brought a sword to beat medusa. that’s literally trying to beat rock with scissors
How to make a Disney Pixar film:
1. Take something that doesn’t talk
2. Make it talk
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
Fair play to the crow who visits the roof outside my window first thing each morning, and whose cawing has the exact pitch and rhythm as the reversing alert on the recycling lorry, sending me into a blind panic that I’ve forgotten to put the bins out.
just can’t imagine being this mad at a pond
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
Single: We do it like rabbits
Married: I submitted the proper request form but haven’t heard back yet
Remember those kids that used no tear shampoo? Well, they never learned to cry and now they’re all sociopaths. Nice going L’Oréal
If you read the bible in reverse, it’s about the world’s population killing each other until there’s only 2 people left, and then the woman pukes an apple and they both get naked.
On my tax form I checked the single box but added “and looking”.
How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two – one to screw it most of the way and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.
I once sat down with Oprah to discuss my drug use but I was high & that might not have been Oprah because why did she need to borrow money?
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
If you get a text from me that ends in a stream of emojis, my mother has stolen my phone DO NOT ENGAGE
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
What did everyone get for Christmas this year? Just kidding, I know it’s omicron.
Women on twitter tell me my beard is hot
Women in real life tell me where I can find food and shelter .
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
I like when new parents tell you “he calls his one set of grandparents grandma and grandpa and the other grong grong and poodeepie.”
[email from Cheryl in HR] Stop calling it Januternity. You’re damaging staff morale.
The reason fish come wrapped in newspaper is because the easiest way to catch them is to sneak up on them when they’re reading.
You two just need to get out more.
– Me, giving Abe Lincoln relationship advice
one time a kid at recess said i couldnt actually dig a hole to china, i said “Watch me” then walked away. i avoided him the rest of the year
A game married people play.
Men, if you want to impress her, send pix of your loads
~ dishwashers, perves
Interviewer: your resume says you were a waiter
Me: yes that’s right
Interviewer: where at
Me: out in the lobby right before this interview