My wife said I couldn’t finger paint and also she says that “Paint” is a stupid name for our cat
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Marriage is just your spouse perpetually standing in front of the kitchen drawer or cabinet you need to open.
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
Wooden toothpicks are great for when you have something stuck in your teeth but you also want something else stuck in your teeth
Just found the worst page in the entire dictionary. What I saw was disgraceful, disgusting, dishonest, and disingenuous.
*throws bottle with note into ocean
*months pass
*bottle with note washes up on beach“Your rescue request is very important to us…”
*rides in on giant turtle*
Me:Sorry I’m late.
Boss:You rode that to work?
Me:No, went to the zoo.
*phone rings*
Me:That’ll be the zoo.
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars
Wife: can you make the bed
Me, a failed carpenter: ok that’s low, Sharon
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
drug lord: “ill email you when we make the drop, what’s your address?”
me: “[email protected]”
loud from my earpiece: “abort keith, abort”
I made a resolution to eat better and exercise in the new year but didn’t specify which year I was referring to.
It’s a real shame Friday doesn’t come as quick as I do
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
“Don’t do anything you wouldn’t want published” – my mom
Like bro I’m in bed at 10:30pm what do you think I’m doing?!?
Look, I’m sorry about your leg but this note from my doctor clearly states that this is an emotional support wolverine.
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
So my 5 year old’s stuffed owl and his stuffed mouse are best friends, and I don’t know how to break the news to him…
bury ourselves
Cashier: this coupon expired last week
Me: so did this yogurt
Dinner conversation:
10YO: What 6 things would you want on a deserted island?
Me: 1) You–
10YO: Seriously? Why would you drag me into that?
For you sir I would recommend one of our deluxe funeral plans where I won’t dig you up and slap you around when I’m feeling mad at skeletons
Me: *screaming*
HELP!! AHHHH! HELP! I CAN’T SEE!!Him: Are you stuck in your sweater again?
Me: *muffled voice*
Maybe.
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
Me as a kid: Willy Wonka is SO cool!
Me as a mom: WHOA! Ease up on the sugar there, Dude!
Conspiracy implies the existence of pros piracy
Time heals everything 🙂
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
Sexting is like reading a porn novel written by two lonely people who failed English in high school.