Pretty sure I could never successfully get away with a crime. I shed as bad as the cats! š¹
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Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
Me: Sometimes I like to relax under a shady tree and read a book.
Tree: THAT WAS MY SON!
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
Explaining email to a time traveler: It’s like a mail but I get it on my device. For example *pointing at American Red Cross email* this person asks me for some of my blood, every day.
Pearly whites? I assume you mean my legs.
I’m rockin the ‘Barbie doll’ look today.
No, I didn’t dye my hair blonde.
I did 4 pushups and now I can’t unbend my arms
If you hold a gift card close enough to your ear you can hear the person who bought it saying, “this’ll do”
Irony is how Jesus is too Liberal for most of his own Fan Clubs
I see a lot of defense lawyers talking about how you should never talk to the police. This is not totally true. If you have prepared 3 difficult riddles they cannot answer, legally they have to let you go
Preteen: mom whyyyyyy do I have to take a shower
Also preteen: *takes 45 minute shower*
friend: why did you take up running?
me: *really wants to catch an ostrich* no reason
No one:
My dog on our 6 am walk: this is my emotional support dirty sock
Tinder is a food delivery app if youāre good at it.
HUSBAND: Can you hand me the salad spinner?
ME: Give me a second, I need to finish drying my panties first.
I think I got the Grindr app mixed up with the Pizza hut app. Either way, there’s a 10″ vegetarian about to arrive and I’m not sure what to expect.
As an aging millennial you may recognize me from popular hits such as, āI need to pencil in my eyebrowsā and āOmg this grocery store is playing my jamsā
Sorry to text you so late but can your dog come over?
Told my girlfriend I canāt get mad at her while sheās wearing cowboy boots because it just makes *me* feel stupid so now whenever she knows she messed up all I hear is klip klip kloppity coming down the hallway
Thinking about my friend who wanted to explore her bisexuality and finally plucked up the courage to go to an āintroduction to beaversā workshop at the lesbian camp at a festival we were at, and it was an ecologist talking about beavers (the mammal) for 90 minutes
If Jesus was a cat we’d have nine Easters.
I was thinking of becoming self employed but due to cutbacks I can’t afford to hire me right now.
I bought a baby monitor but my house is very small so now I just get to listen to my son cry in surround sound.
I suck in my stomach when I weigh myself like my scale will be all “oh she’s much thinner than I thought, I’ll adjust the numbers.”
Being nice is exhausting, which is why evil people have so much energy.
o/ = Cheering
/o = The Scream
/o/ = Superman
_o_ = Jesus
lol = I surrender, and I’m laughing out loud about it.
Gonna name our dog Sock so I can say āCome, Sockā over and over again at the dog park
The great songs ask the eternal questions: Where have all the flowers gone? How can you mend a broken heart? Who let the dogs out?
My 3yo nephew asked if he could marry me. I told him no because I already have a boyfriend. He thought for a bit and said, āBut I have a scooter.ā ā¤ļø
You missed Mass online, which isnāt great, but you can watch Ben Hur now for partial credit.
Me: If you take them out of their natural habitat they seek revenge by burning your tounge
Sis:
M:
S: That’s a pizza roll. You’re high