I am doomed ! My eight year god daughter borrowed my beard trimmers and removed her long blonde hair whilst I was making custard. Her parents do not pick her up until tomorrow lunch time. She is happy as Larry, actually looks good with a crew cut. I am doomed
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This baby at McDonalds may have started the screaming competition, but I guarantee I’m going to win it.
I just found out Canada isn’t real
Turns out it was all mapleleaf
“Did you get my text?”
Option 1: No? When did you send it?
2: I was just about to reply
3: Yes, I thought I replied?
4: I typed a reply but didn’t press send
5: I lost all my numbers and didn’t know who it was
6: My phone’s been weird today
7: Yes, need to talk to you about that
i love corporate logic because a company will fire an entire newsroom full of award-winning journalists to spare the $500k salary of a guy in a corner office whose title is like Senior Vice President of Bad Decision-Making
Have you ever checked those ‘Twitter accounts that work well with yours’?
I just did.
Three convicted murderers, two people on the run from the FBI and a man who thinks he’s a tree 🤦♂️😂
Just saw a bundt so big and beautiful I changed my sexual orientation to cake.
Getting away from it all is great until you realize there’s no pizza delivery.
Today I spent an extra $10 to get to $50, just so I could get a $15 gift card. My wife is so proud.
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
I’m awfully single for someone who lost their virginity 7 times in high school
Shout out to my kids because THEY AREN’T LISTENING!!!!
therapist: what do you think is your greatest fear
me: what if you dropped a baby and it landed on its feet
My 15yo just handed me this and apologised, explaining that he’s been contracted to kill me.
Adam: oh look the McRib is back
Eve: stop calling me that
I like to drink while I clean and that’s how I found out what Febreze tastes like.
Me: pick and choose your battle.
My son: I choose every battle.
[God wakes up] oh man i am hungover, what’d i do last night?
[sees that goats have the ability to scream now] haha oh yea
[first date]
“You’re not into anything weird right?”
-not at all
*gestures to my ferret army to fall back*
Existing is a pretty remarkable achievement.
What if, instead of candy we give out things we no longer want, like a scratched up non-stick pan
MUFASA: Everything the light touches is our kingdom.
ME: What about shadows or when it’s cloudy?
MUFASA: *Sigh* Wh…why are you like this?
WAITER: Your meal comes with three sides.
ME (imagining a delicious triangle): Excellent.
me: *responds maybe to a fb event*
wife: [from the other room] YOU’RE GOING TO OUR SON’S BIRTHDAY
when you say the word “spit” you have at least two opportunities to do so
Quarantine sucks in a house that’s haunted because a message suddenly appears in blood saying “YOU USUALLY LEAVE AT 7:45.”
[zombie apocalypse]
GUY: It’s not safe here let’s head north.
ME: No, let’s go down to the sewers.
GUY: What’s in the sewers?
ME: [thinking about ninja turtles] Protection.
me *choking*
cat [annoyed] Trying to sleep here
Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.
License and registration please.
“Bears.”
Excuse me?
“Beaaaaars.”
Are you drunk sir?
“BEAAAARS!”
Stop saying bea-
*cop is mauled by bears*