trainer: how long can you plank?
me: I pretty much planked after high school tbh
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Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts.
Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here
the gym I’ve been going to isn’t helping me lose weight at all, damn you Pizza Hut Gym
ME: I’m off to that meeting
BOSS: Forget something?
M: Yes! [kisses boss gently on forehead]
B: I meant your pen [whispers] but thank you
Don’t ever call me sexist.
Sexism is wrong and being wrong is for women.
GOD: i’m going to tell you the name by which you may call me throughout all generations
MOSES: no way
GOD: yahweh
MOSES: ok so what is it
I’m doing Bikram yoga today.
By that I mean I’m in the back seat of a hot car trying to contort myself enough to reach the ignition.
Police are advising to not approach the two suspects allegedly involved in the robbery of the mannequin factory as they are dangerous and heavily armed.
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
whenever I watch shows like Love Island or Love Is Blind the first thing I think about is how they got that much annual leave
I’m peacefully fishing when I notice a ham sandwich on the seat beside me. I pick it up and am dragged to the deep as a salmon reels me in.
How did you spend your dinner break, Jamie? Just drawing a reverse centaur so everyone can see how horrible they are
It’s her summer break so I woke my 12 year old daughter up at 5:15 this morning. I’ve been waiting for this revenge since she was 4.
Weather channel: It’s going to get up into the mid-30’s this afternoon but it’ll still feel like it’s in the teens.
Me: Literally me.
Me: I can never hear the alarm in the morning anymore.
Wife: Me either. We are getting old.
Me: Nah, I think it’s because we have become used to annoying sounds.
Wife: What do you mean-
[Kids start imitating hyenas]
-nevermind.
“Will I live, doctor?”
“Did you post your diagnosis on Facebook?”
“Yes.”
“How many likes?”
“Six.”
“Sent prayers?”
“Four.”
“You’re a goner.”
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
Holy shit, there are some disgusting perverts on here… but enough about me.
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me:
My boss called me lazy and said I had poor communication skills… I almost responded
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
[inventor of edible arrangements] sorry for your loss, but you look like you enjoy throwing fruit away
Can Happiness buy money?
Google Moon is NOT what I thought it would be.
*pulls up pants
Me: I have bad news about, Bob
Friend: Bob from work that always fakes his own death?
Me: *Drops shovel* Oh no
[Ouijja Board]
What is the meaning of life?
S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E S-T-A-Y-I-N A-L-I-V-E
*Squints at board*
What the heck?
A Bee Gee board?
#Caturday
Thick as shit.
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
Never eat anything Mario cooks for you. Dude runs around in sewer pipes all day and never washes his hands
I spend 60%of my day worrying that I might have mustard on my face or clothing. The other 40% I am eating mustard.