The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
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At the grocery store, buying 6 of the same item
Cashier: Are these good?
Me: No. I’m buying all of them just to save others from suffering
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
Exoskeleton: how a skeleton signs a Valentine’s Day card
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
early stone age tool
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
Rude lady to me, “Well I’m sorry but you don’t LOOK sick to me.” Me, “Looks can be deceiving. For example, you don’t look stupid.”
Gym Employee: Thats not how you operate that machine, sir.
Me: *Hanging clothes all over treadmill* But this is how I use it at home.
I’m sorry for the things I said about you when I was hungry.
Recently in Miami, I was so excited to see my wife and 8YO on the jet ski, for the first time. I screamed, shouted and kept waving at them. When they came back, I realized I was cheering a wrong family the whole time
Scuba diving instructor: Be careful not to get too close to the sharks
*under breath* or they’ll break your heart and move in with your brother
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
CNN got really excited about the #TransAsia plane until they found out it’s not missing so now they don’t care.
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
I’ve been ill with night terrors, nausea, dizziness, hunger pains, cry fits, and a stutter. According to Web MD, I have a date tonight.
If I get arrested & the cops give me one phone call I’m dialing Empire Carpets or Jenny because those are the only numbers I have memorized.
Sure visiting family can be hard but it’s also the most efficient way to explain to your partner why you are the way you are
Sometimes when I see a baby wriggling in a highchair, I like to pretend I’m a Bond villain.
“You’ll find escape is quite impossible, Mr. Baby.”
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
Why not call baby pigs “hamlets” ?
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
they really do be looking like this
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
My 3yo wanted me to use my real money to buy pretend food, and then complained I was buying the wrong pretend food, so I think he’s going to be a stockbroker
IT’S SATURDAY & TONIGHT I’M PARTYING LIKE A ROCKSTAR!!!
*folds laundry*
*cleans litter box*
*makes friendship bracelet for karate instructor*
Mom: my friend wants to set you up with her son, he runs a hedge fund
Me, who heard hedgehog fund: that sounds adorable
Been in line for hours and I’m beginning to think this Radio Shack isn’t going to open.
me: my sister’s getting married, want to be my date?
her: wedding attire?
me: no, judith, she’s marrying a man
If you are farther than me in candy crush I will automatically think you are smarter than me.