I’m as nervous as a United Airlines standby passenger.
You Might Also Like
I keep a chalk outline of myself drawn outside my house so any murderers think, “dang, someone’s already got the murdering covered here”
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
I got sunburned at the beach and now my husband won’t listen to anything I say because he doesn’t “take advice from tomatoes.”
No matter how lazy you feel, just remember that Goldilocks decided to take a nap during a b&e.
I wish my car ran on shattered dreams instead of gas. I’d be able to make it to Canada on my failed ninja goals alone.
Young people of today will never know the joy of having a cassette stuck in the car stereo & listening to the same 12 songs for 20 years.
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
17: If I was gay would you still love me?
Me: Of course.
17: If I committed crimes?
Me: Yes.
17: If I voted for Trump-
Me: Dead to me.
I thought I’d buy all my scratch off lottery tickets at the busiest gas station in town. What? Oh no I don’t know which ones I’ll pick them out when i get to the register
mood
WHO KEEPS BUILDING WEBSITES FOR RESTAURANTS THAT HAVE EVERYTHING BUT THE HOURS AND MENU ???!!!!??? I DON’T CARE THE CHEF ANDY USES MIDWESTERN FLARE
Me: Go to bed
4-year-old: But I have questions!
Me: You鈥檙e stalling
4: I need to know!
Me: What?
4: What if I meet a talking doughnut?
Me: [arguing with Tom Cruise] OMG JUST PICK A POSSIBLE MISSION
I just want to be rich enough to stop having to pretend that I鈥檓 getting work done
How to end an interview:
1. Thank them for their time.
2. Shake their hand firmly.
3. Firmer.
4. Firmer yet.
5. BREAK HIS HAND YOU MUST WIN
Saving Private Ryan but it鈥檚 just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she鈥檚 dropped down the toilet
[me, in front of the firing squad] are you mad at me
馃槣馃槣 Happy Saturday folks 鈽曪笍鈽曪笍
I shall play you the song of my people
*stomach growls*
[me, at Hot Topic] ah yes, bring me your hottest topics, my good man
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
If we keep building giant walls at the border to Mexico it’s only a matter of time before natural selection gives us giant Mexicans.
My new body spray is called Decaying Corpse
It’s from Bed Bath & Beyond the Grave.
My anti theft device in my car is that it鈥檚 manual.
Just discovered my 7yo wearing his underwear backwards again. Playing classical music while pregnant is bullshit.
im no good at video games
“no one is at first just give it a shot”
alright
*presses start and mario just sits down*
17 Again is a stupid movie. You dont look that different when you get like 30 years older. If my dad was 17 again I would recognize him and be like “what the heck” immediately. And so would my mother, his wife of 20 years. I am so mad about this on July 24 at 2:15 am.
-Balderdash!
-Codswallop!
-Tommyrot!
-Poppycock!Victorian Era YouTube comments
I ran into a wall today. Literally, not in my writing. The writing is going well for once, so I guess that’s how it balances out. 馃П
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.