The guy blaring the self help CD at the red light in the rusted car with no bumpers wasn’t amused when I said, “I don’t think it’s working”
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Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
Kind of sad that the most fragile men in the world are required by law to become pro wrestling referees.
The entire scientific world: The Earth is getting dangerously hotter and threatens our very existence
Dave936 on Twitter: I was 9 in 1976 and I remember it being hot. There’s nothing to worry about, have an ice cream
you’re born holding the world record for “newest baby” but the very first thing you do is lose that record to a newer baby. welcome to life.
Showering at a woman’s house is like being at an open bar for conditioners.
Bars reopening but you have to wear a mask? Ugly people, this is OUR time!
Damn gurl, are you the snacks in my grandma’s cabinet? Because you taste like you expired 4 years ago
MOVING IS AWESOME
I GET TO PACK UP ALL MY THINGS AND SLOWLY REALIZE THAT THE MATERIAL GOODS I SPENT YEARS WORKING TO AFFORD HAVE BECOME AN ANCHOR FROM WHICH I WILL NEVER BE FREE
OH AND I MUST FORWARD MY MAIL
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
I think weddings should have a worst man too, like just the biggest piece of shit the groom knows.
I don’t even want to eat butter chicken without having some warm leavened flatbread first. That’s a Naan starter for me
Be the reason why the lights flicker when you enter a room
me: i’ve been hearing voices
psychiatrist:
me:
psychiatrist: u don’t have a psychiatrist
“I maintain an elaborate system of thousands of solar panels, but once a year I throw them away because screw it I’ll make more.”
-Trees
Me: On today’s episode of Inside the Actor’s Studio….apartment….
Ryan Reynolds: How did you get in here?
Was voted “Most Needy” in my high school yearbook. Practically had to beg them for it.
DID Y’ALL KNOW THAT THEY MAKE CAFFEINATED WATER? WHY AM I YELLING?!?
Who called it Osteoporosis and not Epic Frail?
I put the p in pants.
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
PSA: If your kid bumps into me one more time with your shopping cart I will unhinge my jaw and swallow him whole.
Lunch is the best thing that’s happened to me since breakfast.
Bob the Builder: can we fix it?
Bob’s Wife’s Attorney: please just sign the papers, Robert.
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
When I was going into surgery my dad said “Good luck w/ your surgery” and I said “you too” so now my dad has to get surgery too, he’s pissed
When you haven’t shaved in a while and your leg hairs sway better in the breeze than your neighbour’s stupid windchime
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
FUTURE ME: i’ve come to stop you from wearing that heinous shirt
PRESENT ME: wait shouldn’t you be using time travel to kill hitler or something
FUTURE ME: it’s a really bad shirt jill
*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost