He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
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This woodpecker needs to switch to decaf.
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
WIFE: Stop spending money on stupid stuff
ME: Okay
[later]
WIFE: What the hell?
[dog walks by in a tuxedo]
ME: He’s getting married, Karen
Like PAC-MAN before me, I too feel pursued by the ghosts of my past, consume mindlessly without end, and enjoy fruit.
If revenge is a dish best served cold AND revenge is sweet then revenge is basically ice cream.
Bring it.
huge if true: the moon
If you are fasting you can’t swallow that piece of food that’s been between your teeth for the past 17 hours.
#SuperBowl
I don’t discriminate. Love whoever you want. Pansexual is cool with me. I mean, I like pans, I guess. They fry bacon and stuff.
HR: You know why you’re here?
Me: So we can be alone?
HR: Your new nickname is a problem.
Me: We all have them.
HR: Yes, but Sperminator?
People saying I should stand up for myself have never sat in this bean bag chair.
[party]
me: i think my gf is mad at me
friend: yeah dude i saw her making out with some guy in the kitchen
me: did she look mad?
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
ME: I propose teaching pandas to play pattycake bec-
ZOOKEEPER: How do you keep getting in here?
ZOO OFFICIAL: Wait. Let’s hear him out.
If you haven’t tried blindfold archery you should give it a go, you don’t know what you’re missing.
Everyone is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Get yourself one of those swords from the mall. Stay vigilant
The dinner I made tonight wasn’t great. Luckily it only took 2 hours to make, cost $83 in ingredients, and needed multiple pots and pans.
ME [buying a packet of bird seed] so how many birds will I be able to grow?
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I like to stab them with a pen and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
I’m receiving intel from Irish Twitter ™️ that there are Americans saying they don’t put butter on sandwiches. What are you putting on regular ass ham sandwiches?! If I hear mayonnaise I’m notifying Homeland Security I swear to Christ.
Roger Federer is a bit more than Rog Feder but is less than Rogest Federest
Mom: Wanna help gift rap?
Me: In West Philadelphia born and raised on the playgro– oh you mean WRAP? Nah homegirl you’re on your own.
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
it’s always the wrong ex who gets drunk and messages you a million times about how much he loves you.
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
The poorest man can be rich if he gets a bunch of money.
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
Can’t tell if they’re hitting on me here?
Oh, so breakfast in bed is luxurious, but when I eat breakfast, lunch, and dinner in bed, suddenly it’s “depression”