PSA:
Drinks had at a work christmas party will get you drunk at least 50% quicker than drinks had when with friends
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[wife looking at pictures of my dead body with police]
“why isn’t he wearing a shirt”
we believe he removed it when he challenged the coyote
If “bae” means bacon and eggs then yes, I’m chilling with my bae
Aliens: we want to study ur kind. take us to ur leader
Americans:(nervous)haha what um no well see here’s the thing uh now’s not a good time
* see weird traffic pattern
* turns down radio
* smoothly avoids gargantuan pothole
* runs over sign saying avoid gargantuan pothole
No, I don’t need a bag; I’m gonna juggle this 12 pack, this bag of ice and this whole roasted chicken on my unicycle while whistling Dixie.
My 10 year old neighbour just threw a cup of water over my cat who was sitting on the fence minding his own business n laughed so I threw a basin of water over him from the window and now his dad is at my door going mental but I don’t see the problem, don’t touch my cat
I once dated a guy only because he had a cool hidden safe behind a painting in the hallway he kept the spare toilet paper rolls in there
“Eighty-seven percent of people think lasers are friggin’ awesome.” – Pew Pew Pew Research Center
Mom I get nervous on dates & always sweat.
“Wear something that doesn’t show stains”
[5 hours later] How was your date?
She hated my poncho.
A movie where humans escape their fences and chase innocent, terrified dinosaurs.
I hate when all the silverware is dirty and I’m down to using the giant decorative fork that hangs on the wall.
Just me?
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
Sucks how parents can’t name their son The Green River Killer anymore since The Green River Killer went & ruined it for everyone.
Spice Girls really missed out when they wouldn’t let that girl Pumpkin be in the group
therapist: and what is it about this generation that bothers you?
satan: i give them the intro tour and they just say shit like “ooo spooky lol”
therapist: that’s not so bad
satan: when i showed one girl the pit of everlasting flame, she sighed and said “big mood”
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
“Be the change you want to see in the world. ”
Me: Cool, can I be a 10 and two 5’s?
STICK BUG WIFE: We can’t seem to get pregnant
DOC: Well, we ran numerous tests…
STICK BUG WIFE: …and?
DOC: Your husband’s an actual stick
Good morning to everyone except the parent in my 6yo’s class who paid out ten dollars as the tooth fairy.
When did the tooth fairy stop leaving four shiny quarters per tooth? In the same glass the tooth was in? I’m not busting into my kid’s college fund to hire an event coordinator and pay an imaginary glitter witch to be invisible for five minutes.
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
I just pulled a muscle tearing up my gym membership card.
Snakes have both zero chill and tons of chill because I start freaking out when a piece of food takes a second to go down my esophagus and they feel that every time they eat and it’s not an almond it’s a mouse, oh snakes I wish you such peace
[giant alien cracking open the earth like a hard boiled egg]
ugh, overcooked
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
Me: Everyone! We’re having a baby!!
Them: What is it?
Me: I literally. Just. Said.
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
Him: You’re pretty saucy
Me: *wiping face quickly
But this spaghetti is soo good
If she says “do you notice anything different about me?” just jump into a gorilla enclosure or something
Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.