Me: Hi Gammy.
Her: Do I know you?
Me: When did she get amnesia?
Sister: She doesn’t have amnesia. She owes you money.
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I just saw a skunk and a possum walking through my backyard and i of course assume they’re off on some kind of adventure
the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants
#SometimesForFun I update signs at work
My doctor asked my blood type and I said I don’t really have a ‘type’ I just like blood that makes me laugh
finally sold everything that reminded me of my ex. kinda nice, I got $20 for her clothes, $50 for her tv, and $100 for our kid
I do this really cute thing, where if I walk by a car that has a stick figure family on their back window, I peel a kid off.
Me: That’s the murder house on the street.
Friend: That’s your house.
Me: Yea
Wow, my kids are decorating the heck out of this small lower left section of our Christmas tree.
I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
[Games store]
ME: Do you sell chess sets?
SALES ASSISTANT: I’ll check mate.
this girl I went to college with got super hot and married a rich guy and lives overseas and doesn’t work and does triathlons for fun BUT her fitness insta only has 200 followers and I have 8,000 on Twitter just by being lazy and depressed so, in your face Mandy who’s winning now
Pretty pissed at myself for hiding the chocolate too close to the potpourri in my underwear drawer.
i wash my hair the same way i wash a cast iron skillet, with shampoo
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
Me, telling my kids we’re leaving in 30 minutes: We’re leaving in 5 minutes.
ME: did I remember to take my antidepressants this morning?
BRAIN: does it matter? Does anything matter? Aren’t we all just insignificant threads in the tapestry of life
ME: …so that’s a no
i mentioned that my parents have been married 40 years and my gf was like “wow, i wonder what it would be like to love someone for 40 years” and it’s like, just to be clear, my parents wouldn’t know
If you get to travel back in time please tell little kid me I own both a machete and a flamethrower now and leave out the part where they’re for yardwork
There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
How about a horror gameshow called “The Price is Right Behind You”
All these years, i thought Ricky Martin was singing, chicken bonbon, chicken bonbon
*brings a full menstrual cup to a bank robbery
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
I knocked over a display at the grocery store and managed to get myself in both a pickle and a jam
AITA? I’m irritable because It was his idea to get walkie talkies, but he refuses to say “over” after each message.
The lawn guy asks to use my bathroom. A flicker of doubt. Is it safe to have a stranger in my house? Do I put out the fancy soap?
Welcome to Mixed Metaphor Day: it ain’t rocket surgery guys
Not to brag in front of all the other moms at this swim meet, but my kid can swim in slow motion.
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
When there’s a forklift accident they have to put the forklift down because once a forklift gets a taste of human blood…