Was going to rob a bank today, but the pen was chained to the desk.
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“We’re not lost!” Dad would insist, despite Mom’s complaints that “This isn’t on the map” and “We shouldn’t be seeing the ocean from Tulsa.”
(child accidentally being born in butcher shop)
Shirtless mother: what should we name him?
Father: um..*looks around room* a..bra…ham
Morning breath so strong I should ask it to help me move into my new apartment this weekend
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
I carry a permanent marker just in case someone without a mustache falls asleep.
Vin Diesel eats two meals a day:
1) Breakfast
2) Breakfurious
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
I don’t know why a dingo would steal a baby when you can steal cool stuff like rollerblades.
i often counter someone’s dream story with my own very, extremely true story about how i sprained my ankle in the 7th grade while sprinting away in absolute fear from a girl who asked me my name
[guy about to invent monopoly]
*looking at friends* i have too many of these
9-year-old: No one can read my diary.
Me: I’ll keep your sisters away from it.
9: No, I mean no one can read it. My handwriting is bad.
Shout out to the top 5 cakes in the world, crab, pan, pound, urinal and let them eat.
Psychologist: Let’s play a word association game. I’ll say a word, you say what springs to mind
Rainbows
Me: I hope my ex dies in a fire.
I feel as though most of my problems would not exist if I had just worked harder on that crane thing from Karate Kid
Getting dressed,
Makeup is looking good,
Awesome hair day,
Feeling great about myself!Put on my glasses….
Damn it!
I’m sorry I got you birth control for Christmas and said it was my gift to the world.
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
“Pay no attention to the man behind the curtain.”
– me, peeping at you in the shower
Government: I can’t believe you committed tax fraud
Me: what? What did I do??
Government: wouldn’t you like to know
Thank you HGTV for allowing my wife to think I could rebuild our house over the weekend.
So I was coloring my few, grey hairs with a sharpie and Hubby walked in.
He told me, I’m the reason for warning labels on small appliances.
I have 3 kids and often wonder what their future holds.
10: will be a teacher
5: a doctor
3: a dictator – just not sure which country she will take over yet. So many choices, but I’m thinking Canada because they are so polite and she is scary AF.
Everyone likes rough sex until it’s on an IKEA bunk bed.
me: *accidentally cuts off a car while merging*
[20 minutes later]
me: *tapping on their window as they shift to park in their driveway* hey is everything ok between us
I wish Jehovah Witnesses were Jojoba Witnesses and they only stopped by to watch you put on their complimentary hand cream.
Being a mother is really quite rewarding.
At tax time.
You don’t know true paranoia until you Google “How to tell if you’re being spied on” and a photo of your living room comes up.
WIFE: You overreact to everything!
ME: [phones police]
Forgot to turn on the grill, burgers been on there for half an hour, I know cause the tv show I like’s over & nothing’s on fire.