Saw your ex at the shops
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I keep chalk in my back pocket at all times in case any of you motherfuckers are foolish enough to challenge me at Hopscotch.
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
i wish it was legal to leave the house without spending at least $100 but they actually shoot you execution style if you try
If you tell Dad jokes and you’re not actually a Dad, you are a faux pa.
My Grandad had a pet shop. Which was a stupid thing to have as a pet.
“Hello, Yes, This is Otter.”
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
No horror movie will ever be as scary as the sight of the water going up instead of down when I flush the toilet.
This makes total sense…
ENTER PASSWORD
password
YOUR PASSWORD IS TOO LITERAL PLEASE TRY AGAIN
again
ARE YOU KIDDING ME RIGHT NOW
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
Turtles often outlive their owners, a fact the police refuse to treat as suspicious
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
Dear Evolution,
It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?
Here I was walking around having a good day when suddenly my 10yo asks ‘isn’t it weird that out of all the multiverses we live in the one where Spider-Man is a fictional character?’
[sign outside butcher shop: POLISH SAUSAGES – ASK US]
ME: Yes, I’m here about the sausage polishing job?
I was once killed by a shark escalator.
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
Me: [to my sister] Oh yeah? If I’m not mom’s favorite, then why am I the only one she ever asks to housesit when she takes everyone on vacation each summer?
Extra car key
Extra house key
Extra storage unit key
Key to an extra apartment with a liquor cabinet– Keys to a successful relationship
Cellmate: What are you in for?
Me: The free food and healthcare
Don’t be scared of a snake. It’s just a slimey, conscious rope that is evil and can kill you.
If I was a movie villain, I’d just make a bomb with all the wires of the same colour.
Me: Sometimes I eat even tho I’m not hungry
Doctor: You need to listen to your body
My Body: *mouth full of donuts* WE SHOULD GET MORE OF THESE LOL
I can’t be your sugar daddy, but I can be your candy corn man. I’m on a budget here.
I like that blood pressure kits come with a free, handy zip-up bag that your stuff will never fit in again once you take it out.
4yo: let me smell your eyelashes!
Me:…ok
4yo:smells like spiders. What if they eat your face?
Me: this is how nightmares are born.
This is so funny you can’t even be mad LOL