Social anxiety pro tip: start bringing celery and hummus to parties when you’re 25 and by the time you hit 30 you’ll be free every Saturday night forever
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Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
Ugh! You. Are. A. Terrible. Kisser.
If your looking for my tonsils, I had them taken out when I was 8…
[superman saves a kid by stopping a train mid track]
reporter: you just saved the kid by using your super strength to stop the train.
superman: yes, yes I did.
reporter: couldn’t you just have used super speed instead and moved the kid out of the way?
superman:
reporter:
Job interviewer: In the beginning, you’ll be earning $20 000, later on that can increase to $40 000. Me: OK, I’ll come again later then.
Regular clock: Hey bruh, what’s up? It’s 3:30pm.
Grandfather clock: GET OFF MY LAWN, AND NO, I WON’T TELL YOU THE TIME!!
*drifts off into a nap*
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
Ever send the wrong emoji and end up with a wife and 2 kids.
I’ve been ordering a cheeseburger and fries at my bank drive-thru every week for a year and they STILL don’t think it’s funny.
I want to go see the new Queen movie but I am just a poor boy from a poor family…
Who else looks for the closest parking spot at the gym? I need to save my energy for inside.
date: wow nice body
me: i like working out
date: it shows
me: *bench pressing cadaver* he’s starting to stink tho
Sometimes I question the medical advice on Twitter. With that said, I’ve removed my appendix. Now what?
Quit blaming your iPhone. You meant to say “furbenglurbrn.”
Let’s settle this like men… men with bad judgment & unlimited water balloons
The squirrels are quiet today. Too quiet.
Words can not even begin to describe your beauty and how much I need to borrow your car.
My superpower- Finding shortest checkout line that takes the most time.
just overheard a conversation
“You’re a tutor, right?”
“Yeah”
“What subjects do you toot?”
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
“Is my wife asleep or dead?”
It’s a game I play by picking up her phone.
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
“son, I’ve had to throw my golf socks out”
“Why dad? cos you got… A HOLE IN ONE? HAHA”
“No son. I killed a man. They’re covered in blood”
I like my women with curves.
Those skinny ones are alway mad cause they’re hungry.
Bear Grylls: We need to start a fire or we’re going to freeze.
Me: [Walks around camp quickly in corduroy pants]
Here you go!
buy a fitted sheet one size bigger than your mattress and start living your life
*scrolls through Facebook on Mother’s Day*
me: EVERY SINGLE MOTHER CANNOT BE THE BEST MOTHER EVER. THAT’S NOT STATISTICALLY POSSIBLE. BESIDES, MY MOM IS.
My 7yo son has learnt how important it is to spell properly after I took him to a sweatshop for his birthday, as requested.
No matter how many candles you burn, you can’t bake bread. Follow me, for more wisdom
godspeed to the man who just told his girlfriend “there’s no need to get so emotional” in the baby clothes section of the supermarket
Each time my husband yells for the Warriors an angel (me) uses his credit card.