I can’t sleep because I’m worried I’m not gonna get enough sleep because I should already be sleeping.
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Venn diagrams. You either love ‘em or you hate ‘em. Or you’re somewhere in the middle.
If you carry a clipboard, put a pen behind your ear, wear a stopwatch around your neck, and, depending on where you are, wear either a lab coat or a reflective safety vest you can pretty much walk right in anywhere you like.
Woman: *being eaten by a Werewolf* My god, they’re right. Your hair IS perfect!
why no one uses midhusbands
Why hasn’t anyone marketed bottled water as nonalcoholic vodka?
Reading is a gateway drug to being less stupid.
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
If you add enough jalapeños no one will ever know you’re a bad cook.
Me: *sneaking to the kitchen for a late night snack*
Hardwood floors: ALLOW ME TO SING YOU THE SONG OF MY PEOPLE
Mistletoe, poinsettias, and holly berries are all toxic plants that can potentially be harmful to humans and pets.
Here’s a great idea, let’s decorate our house with them for Christmas!
*takes construction hat to vet*
Please help. My turtle hasn’t moved in 8 years.
The most dangerous piece of machinery a person can operate while drinking is the telephone
Even the great philosophers made mistakes. Aristotle, for example, believed that groove was in the brain.
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
just leave it at the foot of the bed
I tell people my parents are divorced, but technically we lost my mom in a corn maze
I hop around on one foot a lot because the other foot is usually in my mouth.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
how do lawyers not cry when arguing
Teachers: “AI is a disaster, how am I going to know who is cheating?!”
Students:
Today, I went to the bathroom without my phone… there are 107 tiles on my floor
[1st date]
HER: I’m such a nerd! I love when a guy talks sciency
HIM: Oh haha [to waiter] A salad with umm *sweating* kilo-island dressing
My husband asked me why I never blink during sex, I told him there just isn’t enough time.
Back in my mother’s house with my sister for the first time in many years and it’s like nothing’s changed… My sister’s still hogging the remote… 🙄
In 2058 the selfies became self aware and choose their own filters.
billy joel: *nervously* w-we didn’t start the fire
smokey the bear: *lowers gun* ok good
half the posts I see are people planning to go completely feral this summer and the other half are folks concerned that they’ll be permanently agoraphobic. I, for one, will be doing both
Nutritionist: Ideally, you should eat 1200 cal a day.
Me: Ok, and how many at night?
Someone should have warned me, that when you have kids, they talk to you, like, ALL. THE. TIME.