[Watching halftime show]
ME: I hope I look as good as Jlo when I’m 50.GIRLFRIEND: You don’t look that good now.
ME: Yeah I’m not 50 yet.
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Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Thou art not as nice as this time last year.
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
*goes into kitchen
*makes toast
*pours coffee
*sits at table
*opens Sunday paper“WHO ARE YOU & WHY ARE YOU IN MY KITCHEN?”
*sighs
*leaves
If you cross a guinea pig with a hedgehog you get a pighog. I don’t make the rules
My favorite fruit salad is sangria.
* asks plastic surgeon
” can you make me look like this Snapchat filter minus the crown of flowers?”
If you pronounce the word vase like “voz” I’m gonna want to punch you in the foz
We’ve all talked about throwing a dirty dish away instead of washing it. But only some of us have done it.
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg
Me squiggling in heated car seat: now I know what meat in a crockpot feels like
It breaks my heart to know that I live in a country where some of its citizens actually can’t believe that isn’t butter.
12: Can you help with my math homework?
Me (*looks at the problem*): I don’t remember how to do that
12: If you don’t remember how to do it, and you turned out well, why do I need to do it?
Me:
What idiot called it a driver’s test and not a Game of Cones?
If I were to give myself the award for being the laziest person on Earth, I’ll do it tomorrow.
#LazyProcrastinator #procrastination
Every time a man pisses me off, I pretend we are in a video game & this is simply a tiny side quest in which I am to be taught how to remain a woman who doesn’t do crimes. And 35 years in, it has mostly worked.
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
Don’t do anything rash
– inept doctor trying to keep a skin eruption from spreading
Me: Gather around children so I can tell you about the atrocity that was the year two thousand and twenty
Nephew: Wha- it’s still 2020.
Me: *staring off into the distance* It was a lifetime ago, so much pain and suffering
Nephew: It’s only August
Me: March lasted fifty years
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
Melania Trump doesn’t want to live in the same place as her husband.
More than half of America feels the same way.
[kid loses screens for not doing chores]
husband: it’s partly my fault he didn’t do them
me: then you can lose screens too
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
I want to be wealthy enough to leave notes for the housesitter like: “If the leopard seems bored, jog him on the treadmill. He can watch The Parent Trap.”
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
[job interview]
BOSS: biggest weakness?
ME: I never know when to quit
BOSS: that’s ok, ur hired
ME: I quit
A moment of silence for all those who are stuck in traffic, trying to get to the gym, to ride stationary bikes…
This is Damn delicious!😋😋😋
It’s so weird being an introverted parent to an extroverted child because whenever I’m around town without her, strangers are like “hey, where’s Greta?” and I’m like you’re a random senior citizen in the coffee shop, how do you know my 4-year-old??
[cats at shelter]
Where’s Frank?
“Got adopted 3 weeks ago. Gone soft too. Healthcare plan. Hypoallergenic blanket. Goes by Mr. Boots now.”
ME: What are you watching?
WIFE: The Wheel Of Time.
ME: It’s called a clock, Sharon.
HER: Get out.