[bakery]
me: I want to hide in a cake for my wife’s birthday
clerk: ok what about this one
me: yeah nice nice and she definitely won’t find me?
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It doesn’t matter where you hide. Your children will hunt you down, find you, and tell you they’re thirsty.
The dry cleaners lost my freak flag.
Date: *opening apt door* This is where the murder happens.
Me: OMG, what!?
Date: Sorry, magic happens. Haha, I confuse those two.
Me: Phew.
Date: *locking door behind us* and now to magic you!
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
My toddler won’t go to sleep so I gave her a big kiss and told her that I love her very much but a little less after 9pm. She thought this was hilarious and is currently in her room cracking up, while I’m sitting here wondering how much her therapy bills are gonna be
Therapist: healing isn’t linear
Me: what if I pay extra?
*goes outside*
*realises it’s entirely too windy to be wearing a skirt*
*regrets today’s choice of underwear*
Driving class: 10 and 2
Real life: 7 and french fries
The gal in front of me on this flight didn’t enjoy me stroking her forehead after she reclined into my lap. Thought we were having a moment.
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
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BATMAN: I have invested billions in the most state-of-the-art technology to combat crime in this city
GOTHAM: Great! How can we reach you?
BATMAN: Pray for clouds and point this lamp at the sky while I’m beneath the earth in a cave please
Conference calls are fun because no one knows I’m really home with massive diarrhea.
Boss: For the third time, PLEASE put us on mute.
Thanks to my wife for putting back the empty box of Froot Loops back in the pantry. Now I can have a big bowl of disappointment for breakfast.
I love how science fiction movies skip right to the fiction part.
Wife: *slicing an apple* Would you like some?
Me: Why would I want to eat raw pie?
[waking up after a night of drinking]
Age 21: did i make out with someone
Age 36: did i steal someone’s dog
Executive Vice President of Coca-Cola: “we refresh the world.” So modest. We all know it’s more than that. It also removes rust from chrome bumpers.
Message from the dog groomers
I’m a really friendly person unless you try and make small talk with me
Unhappy with work? Have a child.
Now you love work.
I watched squirrels for like an hour and thought “they don’t do ANYTHING really” and then realized I watched squirrels for like an hour
I’ll have a salad but on top of a burger with cheese
“So you want a cheeseburger?”
Yes but when you bring it to me say here’s your salad
[at a dive bar]
Friend: Look, I know you’re disappointed, but we should at least have one drink.
Me: *wearing flippers, a wetsuit and a snorkle* I’d like to leave, please.
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
[getting murdered]
I hope this makes it on true crime TV.
the best part about being a parent is explaining normal human behaviours to the small feral people, my favourite of which has been “we don’t pee our pants on purpose when we are mad”
My favorite thing about people singing happy birthday in a restaurant is when they stop.
Where did Scar’s accent come from. Did he study abroad
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.