Worst Native American name ever.
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why do boys change into their football tops to just sit in front of the telly to watch the game ahahah a don’t stick a pair a fangs on when am watching the vampire diaries
Him: Maybe you should start counting your calories
Me: Maybe you should start counting your days
Every person you come across in life has their own story, so be careful or they’ll start telling it to you
[Arkham Asylum]
GUARD 1: that guy’s CRAZY *gestures to Joker’s cell*
JOKER: *using Bing instead of Google*
GUARD 2: *whispers* holy shit
Apparently just because I have the “mind of a child” I’m not allowed to sit on a Santa’s lap. Also it’s “illegal” to carry a brain around.
drank a Mike’s Hard Lemonade & crashed my dirt bike into a mailbox RT @McDonalds Good morning! How was your weekend?
I spent the last twenty minutes telling my wife about plot holes that I’ve found in the frozen film franchise. So I guess this is who I am now.
Christmas movie tip. If you watch Die Hard straight after Love Actually, Alan Rickman will be punished for what he did to Emma Thompson.
okay, i admit it. you’re wrong.
All of these jokes are gonna be a lot less funny when I die of laundry.
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
Just dropped my youngest off at a park to go play with some friends and now my wife is texting me all these questions I don’t know the answers to like “Was another parent there” and “how long will she be there” and “which park” and “why can’t you remember which park”
[Lab]
Co-worker: “Where’s all the microscope oil and acetic acid?”
Me: (with a mouthful of salad topped with vinaigrette) I dunno.
My parents couldn’t understand how my wife could divorce me.
Until I moved back in with them.
judge: do u plead innocent or guilty?
me: I do
Boss to our group: “Let’s talk about what inspires you. Mike, you go first.”
Me: *Goes home*
Of course I regularly eat international cuisine. Only last week I had cyrillic alphabetti spaghetti.
You enter. “I’ve been expecting you,” I say from behind the massive swivel chair. I put too much leg into turning around & spin for 5 mins.
If we just switch to cursive and ban automatic transmissions, we can cripple an entire generation.
My dog just ate a butterfly and probably saved Tokyo from a tidal wave. I don’t understand science.
Him: I want a million dollars
Genie: Like hell u do, 🤣🤣, here’s a years free subscription of NetflixMe: I want my kid to keep all his toys properly
Genie:
Genie: How about a million dollars instead
I saw the best minds of my generation rattling in pickle jars in formaldehyde as the cops beat down the door into my basement.
I want to buy a Prius because I plan on driving off of a cliff & I don’t want to make too big of an explosion & kill squirrels or turtles
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people
girls are like kittens. they are cute and fun to snuggle but sometimes they get stuck in trees and I don’t know what to do.
“Bob is coming over for dinner.”
Bob from work or Bob the giraffe?
*there’s a knock at the upstairs window*
[First Date]
ME: I prepared some questions to get to know you
HER: Ok!
ME: What’s the capital of Honduras?
HER: um…
ME:[writing] bad at geo-
I told my wife that if she has any problems she can talk to me like she talks to her girlfriends so we’re discussing why I’m such a idiot.
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!