[At the gym before someone teaches me the word spotting]: “hey bro will you take care of me and protect me?”
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assessor: sexual orientation?
me: as in if i were to have sex which way would i be facing?
RELATIONSHIP STATUS:
Sorry, what did you say? I was staring at my ceiling fan wondering what I would do in a scenario where it fell and helicoptered around my house chasing me
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
Him: Can you pay? I left my wallet in my other pants.
Me: You have other pants and you wore those?
[trying to ride a horse]
ME: oh shit how do i slow down?!
GUY OUTSIDE THE SUPERMARKET: this is for children
Oh crap, this isn’t what I ordered… who has my foot-long sub?
I forgot the word bird’s ‘nest’ earlier so I called it a twigloo.
Like jury duty, people should be randomly selected to work awful retail or food service shifts, just so everyone understands how horribly these folks are treated
Imagine lawyers calling in to their firms like, “Ugh the case will have to wait, just got called for Applebee’s duty”.
My friend asked if I had any “potential suiters.”
Sitting here in a petticoat, corset, twirling a parasol, drinking sweet tea, waiting…
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
Guy sitting next to me on the plane is also scrolling twitter. Trying to scope out his @ so I can DM to ask if I can put my head on his shoulder for a nap.
me choking on my own saliva for no reason.
Me: [getting ready for work]
Teen [stumbling out of bedroom]: Can you keep it down? I’m on vacation and don’t have to get up.
Me: [starts learning how to juggle saucepans]
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
Don’t ask about my weird flex, this is the position I’m stuck in.
*seats stuffed animals around the table for a team meeting*
Everyone, I think I’ve been working from home for too long.
LAZINESS LEVEL: PRO!
#NationalLazyDay
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
Sister: And you definitely know how to do this sawing trick?
Me: Yes of course I…oh no
Half sister: what
Boss “Are you high?”
If I was high could I do this?
*opens a tube of Pringles and eats only 1 of them*
wife: please be nice to my sister-in-law.
me: i’ll treat her like my own blood.
sister-in-law: hey guys.
me: [screams and passes out]
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
Me: lord give me a sign
Lord: *gives me a sign*
Me: no, give me a sign I like
“So he tells me he’s been grounded, and I says to him… I says Hank, it’s probably because of your bad altitude!”
Got my first date of the year. i mean it’s a court date but I’m dressing up.
[takes e-cig from guy beside me & takes a hit] dude, your e-cig is broken
GUY BESIDE ME: give me back my clarinet
you got mad on your own you can get happy on your own
-me giving a baby advice
Kill me once, shame on you. That’s pretty much it.