Men love me.
Germs fear me.Or vice versa, whatever
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If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
For a brief moment I confusedly ask myself, “Am I Hannah?”
Wow I ordered too much food.
Here, you can have half of it.*5 minutes later*
Okay I’m gonna need that back
Oh how all 5 feet 3 inches of me breathed a sigh of relief today at work when they announced that the tallest person in every group had to facilitate the breakout discussions.
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
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Magicians on Star Trek be like Picard, any card
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
As long as the stupid phrase “interracial relationship” exists, I’m going to refer to same race ones as a “color-coordinated relationship.”
Marriage is telling your partner they’re wrong but in an optimistic way.
My husband wants me to seek help with my substance abuse problem. I even caught him throwing away my latest Bath & Body Works coupons.
Good Cop: why is your baby crying
Mom: he just won’t take a nap
Pun Cop: looks like he’s
Good Cop: if u say resisting a rest i swear to god
Patient: There’s blood everywhere. It was horrific.
911 Dispatcher: And you said the hypnotist did this?
Patient: I think so. I was asleep.
911: Any idea what set him off?
Patient: I dunno. He just snapped.
When all you wanted was a good paying job, but now you have to touch base, circle back, dive deep, be more impactful, come up with action plans, utilize your resources, go above and beyond, and piggyback off of what Susan said
I’m glad Mr Peanut is dead. For years he flaunted his lavish lifestyle while billions of peanuts lived in dirt only to be ground into (admittedly tasty) peanut butter
I don’t think the makers of protein powder have ever had chocolate.
1.25pm: Do you love me more than football?
4.25pm: Yes, of course.
I’m not only the woman your Mother warned you about, I’m the one your Father highly recommended.
The fridge drawer is marked “crisper” but it is pronounced “rotter.”
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
APPLE GENIUS: how did u get so much water on the laptop
[flashback to me taking my laptop into the shower so i could tweet]
ME: hurricane
My wife says I’m too trusting. At least he says he’s my wife.
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
Congrats, YouTube. the algorithm really nailed my 10 year-old with ads for boxed wine, divorce attorneys and the swiffer wet jet
[taking baby’s shoes off & examining the soles]
“Oh look, completely clean. It’s almost as if you were carried everywhere.”
”How’d you get that scar on your head?”
[remembers falling at the playground as a kid]
”Stopped a bank robbery”
[god creating the beetle]
what if a bee and a turtle had sex
Him: I missed you
Me: I missed you too
*we both reload our duelling pistols*
“Is there a Mrs. Prime?” — EVERY GIRL TRANSFORMER EVER, I MEAN LOOK AT HIM
“on your left u see fred in camo, on your right is bertha, she has ridden many miles on that electric cart.” If walmart had tour guides.