FRIEND: How’s the new girlfriend?
ME: She’s a real queen bee.
FRIEND: *rolls eyes* Haha. Suuure.
*a faint buzzing from my pocket*
ME: Dude, she’s right here.
You Might Also Like
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
4 thinks the lead singer of Queen was Freddie Macaroni and he won’t be taking any further questions on this
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
[last supper]
drunk jesus: *swinging baguette wildly* You want a piece of me!?
911: whats the emergency?
∞: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
You’ve just ordered Pizza Hut and a 2L Mountain Dew. You’ve loaded up Diablo on your PC. No school tomorrow. Your parents don’t care if you stay up all night long. A perfect Summer night. You are 39 years old. The year is 2023.
Yesterday was International Day of Happiness. If you find yourself feeling happy today by mistake, don’t panic. Just focus on the news until the feeling passes.
Wife: have you seen the kids?
Me: yeah [sips coffee] too much.
90% of marriage is one person looking for something where the other said it would be and yelling that it’s not there
My Guy
Hi I’m in my forties and I cry when I drop something on the floor and have to bend over and pick it up.
[my first day as a bank teller]
guy comes up to window: i’m here to make a withdrawal
me: i’ll need to see some ID sir
guy [pulls out gun]: here’s my ID
me: umm, sir, that’s not ID. that’s a gun [turning to coworker] is this guy an idiot?
guy: no, i’m saying, this is a robbery
me: no, sir. this is a bank [turning to coworker] is this dude for real?
She’s willing to deal with excruciating physical pain to get an hour alone with 90s hip hop blaring in her ears.
-my husband accurately explaining my running habits to our kids.
A bright side to having kids is that if I’m ever trapped in my car I have 3 years worth of half-empty water bottles and goldfish to live on.
Get married so you can spend the rest of your life closing kitchen drawers and cabinets.
When fireworks were invented, it was ‘hisssss’ to ‘wheeeee’ in the making.
So, #Dorners ID was found in San Diego a week ago and then unmelted in the burned down cabin? sounds legit.
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
Doctor: Im sorry but your condition has become quite acute…
Me: I think your pretty acute yourself *winks*
Doctor: …
Me: *dies*
There is not a fine dining experience on earth that compares to bringing home Chinese food and eating it hunched over a living room coffee table with atrocious posture.
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
This dude got his own movie?
A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
GARY JOHNSON: let me debate, i wanna debate, lemme lemme
MODERATOR: FINE! how will you deal with big banks
JOHNSON: like…river banks, or
Doctor: your test came back, it isn’t good
Me: am I going to die?
Doctor: without treatment, yes
Me: I’ll do anything, what’s the cure?
Doctor: you just need to eat black licorice
Me: *grabbing my coat* I’ll see you in hell
ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
Enough with emails already. I’m only conducting business communication by Snapchat from now on.
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
me: can i have a raise?
boss: i think the better question is how can we meet your career goals
me: by giving me more money