Some people shouldn’t be informed when this quarantine is over.
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[getting an x-ray]
TECHNICIAN: Quit putting that box of chocolates on your chest.
ME: Just tell me which ones are coconut.
Psychologists say that sleeping naked can help boost a person’s confidence, but nobody in this bus seems to appreciate it.
Winter. When trees are bare, and you can see into your neighbor’s yard, and omg, that’s Mrs. Hood’s body he’s putting into their fire pit!
Drank two Monster Energy drinks and started my car by screaming at it.
Before you decide to have kids, you should know that they need to be entertained 27 hours a day.
My math is correct, just ask any parent.
Our cat doesn’t like fireworks so we just let her hold sparklers.
I am in my truest form when the food comes at a restaurant and I side-eye plates, suspicious that everyone got more fries than I did.
😍😂🥰😂😍
People who call the Kentucky Derby “The Greatest Two Minutes in Sports” have never seen me have sex.
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
[pronounces testosterone like macaroni]
is he attractive or did he just reply to your message with full sentences in a timely manner
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
whoever designed giraffes was extremely high
8yo: Can you just say nothing?
3yo: Nothing
8yo: No, just say nothing
3yo: Nothing!
8yo: No, can you just be silent?
3yo:
3yo: NOTHING!
I like how Angelina waited to divorce Brad Pitt until Jen got married. Well played Maleficent…well played…
Rented a Bowflex machine because it was the path of leased resistance.
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
a toddler pointed at me earlier and said “baby” and i nodded. it’s true. i am also a baby. real recognise real
People who say, “Make it rain” about anything other than weather are the people who reply to spam emails about sexy singles in their area.
I gained three pounds last weekend and I’m fairly certain the switch to daylight saving time has something to do with it.
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
How about a meat that is also a dental floss? – Pitch for prosciutto
My anxiety started in 1984 the first time I heard the music speed up in Pac-Man when shit got real and I haven’t relaxed since.
It should be illegal for your legs to go numb while you’re pooping like what does my body want from me this is harassment and bullying
Take revenge, crap on a pigeon.
me: my boss is working me to the bone
my dog: hell yeah
If anyone needs an ark, I Noah guy.
Raising my baby pterodactyl has been a nightmare. “Don’t forget to pee in the toilet,” I’d say. “Do what in the toilet?” he’d respond.