Wanna see my Oscar?
*knocks on garbage can lid*
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Me: I have a problem.
Her: We’re married. Whatever it is, it’s our problem now.
Me: Ok. We had an affair with the neighbour’s daughter.
[at dinner]
Me: *rubbing sugar on my gums*
Wife: What are you doing?
Me: I dunno…saw some cool guy doing it in the bathroom
Tiktok made twitter look like a science club.
Kids teach you so many life lessons.
Unconditional love, patience, the meaning of family, but mostly to lock the bedroom door.
Anyone with really healthy kidneys interested in a tweet up?
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
I be like “I gotta drink more water” then take one little sippy sip and then give the rest to my house plants
Corn mazes should just be called maizes from now on
One time I overheard my coworker answer a question with ‘I don’t know, I was in Prague’ so that’s my go to now whenever I don’t have the answer to a question.
My Alexa can now understand my toddler.
Pray for me.
You can’t even be mad at the dog for this. You just have to be impressed.
I took my kids to a restaurant for the first time in a year.
Turns out the pandemic was not the only reason I was avoiding taking them in public
Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
Other parents might understand this fear, I woke up to a text from my daughter that she sent at 12:32am
Daughter-you awake?
Me: (5 hours later) I just saw this, omg are you ok?
Daughter: oh yea I’m ok, I just wanted to know your potato salad recipe.
If you’re the smartest person in the room, you are in the wrong room.
Me: I somersaulted down a hill yesterday, just like in the movies, it was so crazy
Angel: yes that’s why you’re here
Someone forgot to tell my body that calories after midnight don’t count
I do the crane stance like in the Karate Kid movie each time I have to flush the toilet in a public restroom.
Me – I’m not in the mood to work today
My bank account – you better GET in the mood
Is sandalwood what a man gets if he’s unusually turned on by a pair of his own open-toed shoes?
My birth certificate is far and away my most impressive swimming certificate.
I don’t care what people tell you, but LA definitely has 4 seasons: Pilot, Earthquake, Fire and Award.
Make sure to make eye contact with the hottest person in the room as you stuff a burrito into your mouth
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
kids are fun because the only time they stop eating is when you put effort into making meals for them
I’m so grateful when people tell me to drive safe cause then I remember not to drive off that cliff.
My 4-year-old asked me what my name was when I was a kid and she was not ready for the wild coincidence when I told her I was also named Kristen as a child
Pizza is a lot like sex. If you do it wrong you burn the roof of your mouth.
Welcome to your 40s: the good news is you only gained a single pound, the bad news is you did it ten times.
I like to cook for a man when I first start dating him.
That way he’ll be disappointed from the start.
Not just when he sees me naked.