getting a rib removed so i can suck my own rib
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We have to operate now
if the cancer spreads anymore you won’t be able to tell the difference between people & food
“Are you nuts?”
Dear God
UK rappers be like “I’ve got a posh flat and my bird is very comely, I own more motors than the marchioness of cholmondeley”
There’s nothing worse than being in public & you touch something that shouldn’t be sticky & it is.
I’m lost at Costco but everyone here looks like my dad. Just gonna pick the one with the best groceries and start a new life I guess.
sad day today because:
1. my fish in the aquarium is missing.
2. my cat won’t eat his dinner.
– dinner –
Kid 1: finishes in 18.4 seconds
Kid 2: finishes in 34.7 seconds
Kid 3: finishes in 5 hours 29 minutes
John Lennon: Here I stand head in hand, Turn my face to the wall—
Me: um, it’s fine if you just count to 20 while we hide
Me: the enemy of my enemy is my friend
Enemy of my enemy: no, i don’t like you either
I wish my credit card was like me and had 0% interest.
I refuse to allow anyone to drive me crazy. My GPS says it’s within walking distance.
Next time, I will just serve my guests pretty envelopes with the stories I’ve learned searching for a new recipe.
Robber: This is a stick up
Me: *clears throat* I’ll stick up for Larry. Pat called him an idiot earlier and although it’s true, it was mean
[Voice from police helicopter]
PUT YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR!
*raises hands*
*takes flattering selfie in helicopter spotlight*
*uploads new avi*
Celebrating christmas in another country, santa leaves a chicken cutlet in my boot. “Is that good?” No one will make eye contact with me.
When I asked for my wife’s hand in marriage, I didn’t realize how often I’d just get the finger.
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
[Getting murdered]
Me: oh no
Murderer: yup
Me: there’s so many dogs I never got to pet
Murderer: oh no
“i have good news & bad news”
wife: bad news 1st
“the washing machine broke”
wife: and the good news?
“the dogs are clean AF”
babe wake up they’re canceling someone you’ve never heard of before
When there were bear prints in the sand that was bear jesus chasing you
Look,if they showed up and watched the entire Super Bowl and had a good time with everyone.Then washed the dishes,cleaned up, did the laundry, washed your car and cooked dinner afterwards then you just might have found Valentine material!
I need to stop by the Walmart pharmacy to get some antidepressants because of how much I just spent at Walmart.
My 3-year-old gave me a sticker for behaving myself in public. She’s doing a good job of raising her parents.
Oh my god gurrrll, he said WHAT? Told you men are trash now did I, alright gimme the tea!
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
my husband told me that i kept making really irritated expressions when he would say things and he was like “good lord WHY do you look so annoyed??????” and it was then that i realized that my botox has worn off 💀
When a girl says “I’m cold” don’t be an idiot and say “me too”, instead say “well damn Jackie I can’t control the weather”
If the question is how many toothbrushes can my 2yo fit in his mouth at the same time before I catch him. The answer is 4.
[making dinner]
Him, annoyed: it’s like you’re not listening to me
Me: *turns on the faucet, starts the dishwasher, pulses the blender* I have no idea what you’re talking about
Boss: I need that report by noon
Me: Consider it done[2pm]
Boss: Where’s that report?
Me: Huh? I thought we’d agreed to consider it done?