The war on Christmas? Yeah, I started it. But in my defense, maybe Santa warns a person before his home invasion and I don’t take him out.
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Don’t mind me while I aim the remote at your face and make fast-forward button gestures.
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
I’m sorry I pretended I was dead when I saw you at a grocery store.
Day 1: Buys $8.00
organic raspberries.Day 2: Moldy.
Repeat weekly.
I want to go on a shopping spree at a book store..
But I also like electricity and food.. so you see my dilemma..
I cleaned my bathroom mirror 3 times, only to realize the smudge was chocolate smeared on my face from two days ago.
After 30 minutes of looking, my husband finally found the car keys. They were in the last place he would think to look: in the pocket. Of the jacket. He was wearing.
Me: “I need big girl clothes.”
Him: “You haven’t gained that much.”
Me: “I meant adult clothes for work.”
Him: “Does the couch pull out?”
next time you are washing your hands next to somebody…
cup your hands together until the water overflows.
then look at them and say:
This water is getting out of hand
[her thinking to herself in the restaurant] he seems nice and normal
[me thinking to myself] she let the waiter twist her pepper 8 twists??
Thinking about Jeff
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
[sees a meathead at the gym flipping a giant tire end over end]
ME: Put it on its side and it’ll roll, idiot
Nobody is happy. Be like Nobody.
I bought a high-tech mop and I’m very excited about it. Not so excited that I’m going to throw up, but it wouldn’t be a problem if I did.
Not to date myself, but nobody else will.
My diet was going really well until I woke up.
I triple waxed for this?
Girl: Do you have protection?
Me: Um like a sword?
My current diet all ends with an S.
Pizzas.
Hamburgers.
Tacos.
Nachos.
Everything that’s in sights.
I’m sorry I whispered “a weem a way” over and over during your jungle safari slide show…
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
#StillHurts
I hate when I’m checking out a bag of chips, and the guy standing in front of it, thinks my lustful gaze is meant for him.
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
I just ran out in front of a deer just to see how they fuckin like it.
A grown man smelling like baby powder stood next to me today.
My maternal instincts have never been so confused.
We tested 3 new dishwashers at Home Depot before the salesperson made us take our dirty dishes back out to the car.