A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.
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I was standing in the line at McDonald’s yesterday and just as I got to the counter my boyfriend kissed me and then loudly said ‘you are the best sister ever’ and walked away and the girl in McDonald’s looked at me in disgust and I’ve never wanted to die so much in my life
Me: I like that we wear our masks in bed.
Jennifer Aniston: How do you keep getting in here?
Brad Pitt: Let him stay.
GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational
ANGEL: ok cool
GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol
Me: *doing a cute TikTok dance with my grandma*
Headline reads: ‘Two Old Ladies Do TikTok Dance’
Sometimes I look at my 18yo daughter and I’m so proud.
She’s in college, starting her life and then I remember about 4 years ago she asked me what kind of tree pickles grow on…
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
What’s your guide about?
Type “Explorer’s Guide to ______” and let your phone fill in the rest!
Mine is: Explorer’s Guide to you have got to be kidding me.
Well that’s the most on brand one I’ve ever done! Good job phone! 😆
#wildemount #critters #dnd
To all the men out there without ponytails: What are you afraid of? SUCCESS???
I stepped on my cat’s tail & now he’s on the phone with his lawyer trying to press charges.
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
You can still be mysterious after over sharing cause in that moment everyone is thinking “why would she say that”
*puts my mental health in rice
I need a button in Zoom meetings where it just freezes my screen and makes it look like I’m having network issues
My daughter is such a happy little person she giggles in her sleep, which makes me worry that somehow she’s not my biological offspring
Weird how first we have to pretend to be asleep in order to fall asleep.
“I’m tired of getting out of my car to take a shit.” – guy about to invent the R.V.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t my GF coming back after 3 days away, only to walk past me to say hello to the dogs first.
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
Pretty upsetting that during such a time of pandemic, some people are refusing to take their work home with them… Like my children’s nanny
I’m running on 3 hours of poor sleep, this has to be how people end up at the drive-thru wedding chapels.
me: what did you go as for halloween
coworker: I wore-
me: [stands up] WHAT IS IT GOOD FOR
coworker:
me:
coworker: did you just ask me that to-
me: ABSOLUTELY NOTHING
Alexa doesn’t recognize my vocal commands. Guess she’s officially part of the family.
Watched a quiet place part 2 tonight and all I could think about was how screwed they all are once that baby becomes a toddler
my husband had a friend over for drinks last night and i woke up to this and what the hell happened?????
[Giraffe Weatherman]
“Yes Bob, we have a major blizzard happening up here but
*giraffe lowers head*
on the ground we’re still looking good.”
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
I hate it when you turn up to a Klan rally and some other guy is wearing the same dress.